I was talking to somebody about this the other day, about perfectionism and how there are so many things that I want to do in my life, with my house, writing, everything, but I want to do my best, you know? Everybody does. For me, I feel like unless I give something 100%, it’s not even worth trying, and even when I do give 100%, I still see the things that I could have done better.
It’s a theme that’s been running through my life for the last few years, and to be honest, when I got pregnant, it got much worse.
Something happened with my hormones, and I don’t talk about it a lot on the blog, but I developed anxiety. It’s not something that, you know, I want to lead with ever, but I have it, and I’m working on it. I work on it every day.
The person I was talking to was my therapist, and she said that sometimes 70% is good enough, you know. Sometimes 60%. Sometimes 50%.
I think most of us know these things, but it’s so easy to forget them… 🙁
I was telling her that the thought of doing things, like a task, becomes so debilitating for me sometimes that, because I want to do it well, but I don’t feel like I have the tools or the time or the energy, I won’t even do it at all. In my mind, I see this perfect picture of how the task should go, but because I feel so married to that thought, because I can’t do it this way or that way, I get paralyzed, and it’s… I’m kind of over it. I’m really over it.
This has held me back in so many aspects of my life, to be honest, with my family, my writing, my house, it’s just made everything so difficult, and I’m at a point where it’s just, you know what? I want to not feel like I’m being held down by so many things. I want to feel light and free. I want to do things.
So I’m just going to commit to doing stuff at 70%, you know? 70% may not be 100%, but 70% is still something, and I’m gonna do that for a while and hopefully move forward in some ways.
My gawd, if you could see my house… It’s such a mess, but I have this perfect picture in my mind. But I’m letting that go now. If I can just get it to 70%.
Actually, 50% in regards to the house. That’s what I’m committing to. If I could just do 50%, then at least I’m moving forward a little.
I’ve basically been like this pretty much all my life. I mean…I did not expect to get teary right now but…
Please don’t ever feel like you’re alone, you know? You aren’t. Things happen to us all. I’ve never met a perfect person in my life. Not a single one of us is perfect, and you don’t have to be perfect. Ever. Please remember that.
With any task that bothers me, like with my office or any room in the house, if I give myself an hour and tell myself that I only have to work on one pile, if I get through the pile in the hour, that’s great. If I get to anything else after, that’s good, too.
I’m gonna try to remember that small steps, no matter how small they are, are still steps. It’s about taking bite-sized steps. You’ll get there. You can do it.
Have a good day, my friend. 🙂
Your friendly neighborhood beauty addict,
Karen
❤️
This really resonated with me Karen. Thanks for being so honest. Sending hugs.
Deep breaths and baby steps – each one (no matter how small) takes you a step closer to your destination.
Hey Karen,
Longtime reader, first (or maybe second?)-time commenter. I love your blog, your aesthetic, your errthang. Let’s just start with that, boo boo.
Secondly, I am a mom of a toddler and I totally get what you mean when you say you developed anxiety in pregnancy/early motherhood. I did too, and with the help of some great therapists, I do feel like things are getting better. So keep doing your thing, girl. You’re definitely on the right track. The whole perfectionism thing is so debilitating. Most people don’t get it. They’re like – “Just get over it! You’re good enough the way you are!” and I’m like, thanks for the sentiment, but that doesn’t get to the root cause of what’s going on here.
I am a PhD student and I’m writing my dissertation right now. Let me tell you, the perfectionism and anxiety is totally real for that, too, not to mention all the craziness of trying to run a house and family with my partner. Sometimes I don’t even feel like opening up my laptop to work on my writing, even though I know I can’t really graduate or get a job unless I finish the damn thing. I end up procrastinating because I am too psychologically over-loaded to keep on trucking. What’s helped me a lot is this great writing bootcamp that I joined for a great, supportive online community. Each week there are mini seminars on things like dealing with perfectionism, the impostor syndrome, etc. – all debilitating things that prevent us from doing our work and feeling good about it. The main lessons that I’ve learned so far through the bootcamp are: make achievable, concrete goals; do a LOT of self-care; draw boundaries between your work and the rest of your life.
Anyway, I’m sending you huge hugs because I totally feel you on everything you’ve written here. You’re not alone. xo
❤️
Perfection is overrated and impossible. The house will get clean at some point, and it doesn’t have to be right at this moment. You’re doing your best. 🙂
Love to you, Connor and my nephew.
Gurl I am the same. When I decide to do something I like to go big or go home. It was all or nothing. I couldn’t take a fitness class without being able to get to the point where I could do every move to perfection. Then something changed along the way… I had kids and my life started to go in slow motion like I was moving through mud. Call it hormones. Call it whatever you want to it was like having one of those ball and chain things you strap to your ankle while some Walking Dead Zombie was chasing you. You try and you try to run but you can only get so far. My kids are older 16 and 14 but let me tell you 16 years ago I put everything and all that I am into raising these little boogers. I wanted a clean house and a groomed and behaved kid and I wanted to home cook every meal. Haha yeah right. Sometimes I felt like super mom and that I got it all right but let me tell you there were times where I had to throw my hands in the air and just say “I tried” at least love and good intentions were involved. I’m 41 now and I gotta say every fitness class I go to now will get just what I can give them. That doesn’t mean I don’t strive to work harder I just strive to get to a happy place where I’m proud of what I can give. I like to say I go into my own little bubble. I’ve learned not to stress about my age or whether or not I’m being the perfect mom cause you know what I’m lucky to be alive and I have 2 amazing kids that will always have a mom that loves them. Even when I’m telling them things they don’t want to hear. You are not alone with this. Anxiety is a very real thing and lots of people have it. It just shows you care and that you want what is best for yourself and the people most important to you. Thing is that the people most important to you will love and accept you just as you are especially when your operating at 50%. Hugs.
Same!!! I think this used to be worse for me than it is now, but I have struggled with anxiety all of my life. 70% IS good enough. Whatever you can do right now is good enough. Love to you Karen! Things will get better, they always do 🙂
Love. And thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing yourself and your love with us. So much of this spoke to me. I often get stuck on a task because I want it to be “the best” – but ultimately, it’s better to take SOME action than to take NO action. I have to remind myself of that all the time (and I have to work even harder to believe it). I’m feeling the need to see a therapist – just to have someone to talk to, out loud, about the really real shit (or even the stupid shit) – and this felt like a little nudge. So, thanks. Again.
Hi Shannon,
Sending you so much big love back! If you’ve been thinking about therapy, I would highly recommend that you do it ASAP. My only regret is I wish I started sooner. It’s really helpful to have somebody else there who’s impartial to the situation who can help you work through things and realize things. There’s lots of different types of therapy, and the kind that’s helped me the most is CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). It speaks to me because I feel like I have tools to handle different situations now. Plus it’s really important for me to feel like I’m in control of things and I can do things to help myself, and CBT has helped me with that a lot. Anyway, if you every have any questions about it feel free to ask!
Great advice. It’s something I work on too. The other lesson I learned rather late in life has to do with other people. A wise man told me “If you are not the problem, you can’t fix it!” That’s a hard one for empathetic people, but it’s so true.
Hi Lily,
That’s really good advice. I’ve been trying to just learn to let things go, like with other people, so things don’t bother me as much. It’s been a challenge! What do you find helps you let things go?
Sister! You are not alone. If there’s on thing I could get rid of in this world, other than world hunger, violence, poverty, that sort of thing, it would be perfectionism.
I suffer from it. I have relatives that suffer from it. And it really can be debilitating.
When I get anxiety, if I’m able to, I lie down in a dark room with a cat and listen to the cat breath of life. It helps me feel like I’m not going to die. Seriously. If I’m at work, it’s more difficult. I have an oil I rub on my temples and I try to surreptitiously do alternative nostril breathing.
I’m glad to hear that I’m not alone. It makes me feel better to know that, ya know, there’s somebody else out there, that we’re all out there, and even though we don’t see each other face-to-face, we’re supporting each other in some way, right? I’m sorry that you suffer from anxiety. It’s so hard, ugh. I’ve had mild versions of it before, but then when I got pregnant, and afterwards when I had Connor, it’s just become full-blown. It’s a struggle, but it’s something that I’m working on every day, each day. Each day is a chance to make a teeny, tiny step.
I have a couple questions for you. What’s the oil that you use on your temples, and when you do alternative nostril breathing, does it involve plugging up a nostril with one finger, or is it, like, something that you can control on your own? Because I’m trying it right now (without fingers), and it’s very difficult.
Love ya, Karen. <3 You're my blogging big sister.
Aww, you’re so sweet, Chris, thank you! Have a nice day, OK?
I could have written this myself! I am a long long time reader and love when you get real and honest. I REALLY REALLY needed to hear this today. Thank you! ?
Hey Elizabeth,
I love hearing from long long time readers! It makes my day. I’m glad that this helped you a little bit. I know that, for sure, that viewing the world in terms of not having to go hard at 100% all the time has helped me so much. Remember sometimes 50% is totally fine. 🙂
70% is perfectly fine! We always think we need to give it 100% but we don’t. It’s okay to not do it all. And I am not only saying this to you. I am also kind of saying it to myself here.
Yeah, and if you can’t do 70%, 60% is great, 50% is great. Whatever you can do, right?
Oh my gawd, this hits home with me as well…
I haven’t been good at commenting in your blog lately because I wanted to say the perfect things! So silly… and then I missed congratulating you on having Connor Claire, starting another business.. you definitely rock!!
My apartment is also a mess. But i kept telling myself it’s okay as long as there’s no trash laying around. Most importantly I need to get twindly up and running… even at 70%.
So thank you, thank you so much for writing this, and for all of the other comments. It totally made me feel like I’m not alone ❤️
-Astrid
I’m making myself
Thanks for the congrats, Astrid! That’s really nice of you. You know, it’s so hard, especially with house things to operate at lower levels. If you spend any time on Instagram it seems like everybody’s got these perfect houses and perfect living spaces (how do people keep all the white stuff so white?!). I’m with ya girl, and you’re not alone, and you’re doing fine. You’ll get there eventually. We’ll get there eventually, right?
I’m so sorry or knowing you have anxiety, I can relate to it because I have had some mild attacks, nothing too serious but enough to quitting coffee and doing more exercise to relieve stress. I think you can remember my ultra long comment the other day so don’t worry everybody has its highs and lows the important thing is how we overcome them.
I send you a big hug and don’t worry we will win all our battles.
Thank you for this. I needed to hear this especially after a bad couple of days on my end. Now I don’t feel so alone in my anxiety and depression. 🙂
Big hug!!
I am at the home stretch of pregnancy and put on sick leave. I am going nuts because my energy levels are non existing right now. today I had a doctors appointment and after that I went into 2 stores. After that I was completely conked out. We moved judt over a month ago and te house is a complete mess. I just have to try to deal but I am so used to keeping super busy it is so hard to tell my brain that rest is good enough – that right now there is nothing to do about it, the mess is going nowhere and that one small thing at a time will get us there too – just not at the speed I am used to.
You are not alone Karen ❤
Thanks for sharing this. I feel far from perfect a lot of the time and sometimes feel like I’m just barely making it through each day. I like the idea of taking small steps! I’m glad you’re trying to make changes and find some freedom from anxiety. Sending lots of hugs and purrs your way. <3
Ugh crawl out of my head would you!?!
I took up water colouring over the summer and I love it. I’m just learning to do it and the classes I’m taking are realistic botanical subject based. They are very challenging and I’m not doing horrible; probably doing okay but I want to be doing amazing. I’ve had the same piece on my block for about a month. When I first started I was painting every day. Now I’m painting once every two weeks. So I need to read this for inspo every night when I’m contemplating if I can sit at the desk and paint an okay painting!
Thanks for getting real…
Yes yes and more yes! What’s holding me back is that I don’t know if I can do something well and if I would be successful at it. The thing is, when it comes to my professional life, I’m all about pushing myself to the limit, going at something boldly. It’s with my personal life where I’m kind of stuck.
And agree so much to your comment on seeing a therapist. It was the best decision of my life to start seeing one! I’ve been trying to practice mindfulness and it’s helping a lot!
I suffer from anxiety pretty badly. I also suffer from not giving a shit a lot too. Sometimes it’s pure laziness and other days it’s choosing where my spoons go.
Oh, Karen, I can so relate! And I only have enough energy at the moment to write you about a 10% reply, but I figure that has to be better than no reply!
Please, always, remember this: to have a perfect mother would be an utterly terrifying thing for a child. A parent needs to be good enough, *not* perfect. You are doing the best possible thing for Connor by learning accept imperfection in yourself. Please remember that every time perfectionism begins to rear its ugly head!
More later, I hope 🙂
Love, Fran
Good for you for practicing self-care, and encouraging others to do the same. The stories we tell ourselves can be so impactful, and it’s so easy to assume that everyone else has it together when we’re all just doing the best we can. We really do need to be as kind to ourselves as we are to others (I know I would never say to another person some of the things I say to myself).
We’re all works in progress and that’s as it should be.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I have OCD (which is actually classified as a type of anxiety disorder), so I’m quite familiar with the urge to be a perfectionist. Living up to this standard is so difficult, especially when it’s so hard to accept your limitations.
I’d like to share with you something my therapist once told me: “You are not a machine.” This has become a mantra for when I’m experiencing these types of feelings. As humans, we can’t always be operating at 100%, and that’s okay.
I recommend watching Brene Brown’s TED Talk “The Power of Vulnerability”. I found it to be very insightful and relatable, and I hope you will, too.
I try to remember to not let the perfect be the enemy of th good. Sometimes good is all that’s needed. Most things don’t have to be perfect. Take care.
Thanks for being so open. I’ve struggled with anxiety and trying to do everything perfect most of my life. Some days I get all kinds of stuff done, but end up feeling out of breath and more anxious. Other days I just look at the things I need to do, get overwhelmed and don’t do any of it. I found a great book for my Kindle called The Underachiver’s Manifesto by Ray Bennett. When I get overwhelmed I go and read a little of the book and so far it seems to help.
Wishing you many blessings! Hugs!
*hugs* I very much identify with this post. Thank you so much. I really needed that.
Hi Karen,
love this post so much and I can totally relate. Thanks for your honesty and sharing your struggles which many of of can relate to. I saw this article and thought it was interesting and thought you might enjoy it as much as I did. XOXOXO
http://www.inc.com/marcel-schwantes/10-awe-inspiring-things-you-can-do-to-change-your-life-immediately.html
My therapist (would first agree with yours \o/ and then ) would say that if you decide that 70% is your goal, then THAT is a 100%. You’ve decide what you’re going to do and you do it, you’ve complete 100% of your goal for that day. 😀
Sending you love, Karen. Anxiety is a part of my life too. For me, medication in combination sometimes with therapy (off and on for years) and other coping strategies (I’m open to just about anything if it works and isn’t all about just numbing out) keep me balanced. Makeup is one of my ways to have fun and put things back in focus. You didn’t talk about panic attacks but for me that’s what happens when things get really out of whack. Those are so scary. I think I mainly look like I have my act together on the outside but on the inside sometimes I’m okay and sometimes I’m barely holding it together. That’s okay. I’m okay. So are you. You are beautiful and special and good enough. We all are.
The last two months have been sad for me. I had several friends move away & it’s brought about unexpected change in my life. And has made me sad. So I always feel really honored when you pour out your heart & invite us all in to see “the real”. I have a therapist who I love bunches & it’s been helpful to me as I process all the changes. I know this isn’t related to the anxiety you’re struggling with, but makes me happy to know you warmly welcome & embrace the notion of talking to someone to work through life’s ish.
You’re not alone, Karen. So much of what you wrote, I can relate. Your post was a good reminder for me. Thank you.
I totally feel you. Hang in there. Your therapist is giving you good advice.
I was an over-achiever and perfectionist when I was younger. The words “detail oriented” and “anal-retentive” have been used to describe me. I have severe general and social anxiety disorders. Medication and therapy helped some, but I still fight these disorders. Having kids actually helped me let go of perfectionism a lot. Kids are chaotic, and messy, and you never know if you’re parenting “right.” They just kind of made me realize I’m never going to be in control of everything, and that’s OK. No one is. My kids’ special needs made me realize that there are bigger goals out there than having a perfectly clean house, or hand-making all my Christmas gifts, or even showering every day.
It has often helped me to remember that
“Perfect” is the enemy of “good.”
Just do “good,” don’t worry about “perfect.”
This really resonated with me as well. I am a perfectionist, and my issue is not with getting the task done, but in beating myself up after. I constantly second guess my decision on something even when it is right. And while I love being in law enforcement, at times it is anxiety inducing.
Hang in there and yes, your best is your best at the time. It took me a while to realize that, too.
I’m absolutely not telling you how to feel but, I have to say, that I’m overwhelming impressed by how much you do on this blog and how you had the courage to just DO IT and make it so successful. Your 70% is honestly like a lot of people’s 200%. There are a lot of talented people in the world with very little motivation, which is what’s holding them back. You are talented AND motivated. Please try to remember to be proud of everything you have done, and continue to do. You’re a fabulous blogger/writer/photographer that brings a smile to so many people’s days. You’re a terrific wife, mom and pet assistant! Plus, the hundreds of other things you do that your readers never know about. And, above all YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON. That is so much more valuable than having a perfectly decorated house or some high-powered job. 🙂 I am sorry about the anxiety and know it doesn’t help to say that it’s fairly common, especially after having kids. I think you’re doing all the right things to cope. And, I hope that Connor’s happy, smiling face reminds you of the great job you’re doing with the things that really, really matter. <3
I try to be compassionate always, but I no longer feel that is it my responsibility or capability to “fix” things for others unless I am the problem. I try to enjoy everyday no matter what is happening. I know that I could be gone tomorrow and I would hate to think I spent my last day worrying about stupid stuff that does not matter in the end. I also remind myself that God has my back!
This. This is why I love you Karen. Filled with substance and style. What a beauty you really are ❤? Hugs to you and Connor, I know the struggle. You’ve inspired me.
Oh Karen, I could have written this post myself. I’ve been reading your blog since the very very beginning I feel like I’ve known you my whole life! I just had my first baby just 2 months after you had Connor. I don’t know if my anxiety got worse during pregnancy or after but it’s definitely not any better than it was before. And I am the same exact way especially with the house. I cant even get into that, I would be here all day. I just wanted to tell you thank you for posting this. You should be very proud of yourself for all that you’ve done and do- look at this blog! I mean I can’t think of another blog that I have continually read every day for this many years. And what a lucky girl Connor Claire is to be able to call you her mom.
Sara
I feel your pains with the hormones/new Mom/first baby unit etc…
we have to learn to let things go and as your daughter gets older the battles you learn to pick are going to be the ones with her, not yourself so much.
So surrender your idea of perfection because that’s boring and unrealistic. no comparing to others allowed because you and your life
is unique as are your experiences and what works for you ~ just does.
The book, ‘The gift of imperfection,’ by Brene Brown is mucho helpful as is her TED talk about Shame which ties into perfectionism. She speaks so well and from her heart, the best practitioners in my opinion are the ones who’ve lived it too.
Best of luck, Karen!
XO.
I feel you Karen and thank you for this. Mental health is something not talked about often enough. I’ve suffered from anxiety most of my life. I have lots of those tasks that loom too large. So I don’t do them at all. My hubby thinks I’m just lazy. I’m not, I’m just overwhelmed. I’m starting with a new therapist this week, a different type of therapy for me, and I’m really hoping she helps. Best of luck to you and thank you again.
HI Ms. Karen,
I know that this was days ago- but I just have to give you such kudos for opening up and sharing with us. I’ve had anxiety for most of my life, and perfectionism since childhood. It’s a nasty milady! It prevents me from doing many things in my life, unfortunately – especially the social anxiety. I’m so glad that your in therapy hon. I’ve been since I was 24. We must learn to adjust our normal – or what is our expectation of ourselves, because it will eat us alive. We treat ourselves so mercilessly, I know that I have in the past. I had a precious friend tell me one time, “would you treat your closest friend in such a manner?” Of course I would not…. and it kind of brought it home for me, then why am I doing this to myself? It’s fear my love, of what others will think. I was ruled by fear for decades. We must face the truth about what this undercurrent is, fear of failure- and sometimes success…. it comes at both ends. Find it’s root love, and you’ll solve your anxiety difficulties (to a point). Mine was not having bonded with my mother and feeling no sense of connection in life… It took me a long time to figure that out. Hell yes, 50% is okay, as long as you’re happy. You seem to have a beautiful life — but looks can be deceiving.
I’ll keep you in my prayers Karen. I know how hard this journey is. Just always remember love – nothing is ever permanent — this too shall pass. We all want to be super people, but we aren’t we’re just human. Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today…… A.A. Big Book.. Pg. 449.
Love ya girl,
Gina and Gracie
Every bit done is better than not starting because you won´t reach 100%, because that eaves you with nothing. That is something I struggled to learn for a long time as well, but I feel with age and two kids I am getting there. Slowly, but steadily.
Aww, Karen – this is so hard to internalize, but so good to keep arguing with the anxiety. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
You are wonderful Karen. I really needed to read exactly this today. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for writing this Karen, like so many who have also commented I can really relate. Although, my head uses “properly” instead of “perfect”. Same same really. I’m trying to learn to be able to pick up something and spend a few minutes on it and put it down when an interruption comes along (which is often at the moment and of the very draining nature). Then clear my head and pick it up again. It is really hard when you feel like if you can’t do it properly then there is no point starting or continuing. I think you’re doing an ace job of everything and I’d totally give you a gold star.
I hope you are having a lovely week and may your operating percentages be high! xx