Connor is a busy, busy bee! At some point within the last month, she entered the phase where she repeats every word she hears — from me, her dad, the TV, school.
Sometimes, it’s endearing, like when she’s learning new words and phrases. (Yesterday we were bird watching, and she said, very matter-of-factly, “Let’s write down all the observations in a notebook.”)
Other times, it’s full-on shocking.
What did you just say…?
So…in the Trader Joe’s parking lot last Sunday, which unfortunately is one of the places I GO HAM because some drivers are extra nuts on the weekends, someone rudely stole the parking spot I was just about to pull into. Reflexively, I said, “Are you f*cking kidding me, lady?” which was followed two seconds later by a sweet, high-pitched voice in the back seat that echoed, “Are you f*cking kidding me, lady?”
RUH ROH! Time to lock down the “colorful” language, Karen!
Also, when Connor isn’t repeating everything she hears, she’s saying N.O. to everything else.
“Connor, will you please pick up your toys?”
“No.”
“Babylove, let’s go upstairs and get ready for bed!”
“No.”
“Cocobaby, how about we get into your car seat so we can drive you to camp?”
“NO!”
I’ve read that it’s a common developmental thing around this age… Toddlers are starting to feel independent and like having a sense of control over the world around them.
Redirection: err day, all day
Because I don’t want to spend the whole day fighting her or giving timeouts (Have you tried to reason with a toddler? It’s a fruitless endeavor.), when “no” happens, I do lots and lots and LOTS of redirecting.
Like, if I say, “Connor, let’s go to the potty before we leave for ballet,” and she says “no,” I try different tantalizing ways to get her up the stairs, like, “Why don’t you show me how you count your numbers? Tell me many stairs it takes to get to the top!”
If she says “no” to that offer, then I might try, “How fast can you make it up the stairs? Want to show mommy how quick you are?”
And if that also gets a “no,” I’ll go with something like, “Can you walk up the stairs on your tippy toes? Can you show me how to do it?”
Basically, come at it from different angles until she says “yes” to one of them.
Then, once she’s up the stairs, I’ll use a similar tactic to get her to the bathroom: “Want to hop like a bunny or a kangaroo to the bathroom? It’s your choice!”
And when we finally, FINALLY make it to the toilet, things just keep rollin’ from there. “Oh, look! We’re at the potty. Did you know that mommy’s underpants are purple and have a bow? Do yours have a bow? Oh, yours are purple, too? THAT’S SO COOL! Listen, while we’re here, why don’t we have a seat on the potty? You don’t have to pee, but if you’re sitting there and you want to, go right ahead.”
Redirecting takes a lot of patience and creativity, and tasks take 10 times longer than they would if she just did them, but gosh, it adds so much harmony to our day. Otherwise, everything — I’m talking EVERYTHING — is a massive battle.
Anyway, it’s working for us…for now.
This is the easy stuff?
And I realize that these things are probably small potatoes compared to the challenges ahead. I’m constantly reminding myself to enjoy this phase because it just gets harder from here.
Like, last week at her summer school/camp, her favorite teacher and closest buddy were both on vacation, so the first thing she said when I picked her up was, “Mama, when I was at the playground today, I asked someone to play with me and she said no, so I played by myself, and that made me sad.”
I swear, my heart broke a little.
I didn’t know now to respond (hello, first time mom here, and there’s no playbook). I took a few breaths and said that playing by yourself can feel very lonely sometimes and that I understood how she felt. I said it was so brave of her to ask someone new to play because it takes a lot of courage.
As we walked home, I mentioned that there’s always lots of options to still enjoy yourself at the playground if the first person you asks says no. You can ask another friend to play, or making up a game to play by yourself, or pretend you’re playing with unicorns (which is my personal favorite).
She was like, “OK, mama.”
I wasn’t sure it sank in, but later that week she brought it up again and said, “I know I can go on the playground and ask a different friend to play, and if they say no, I can always ask another friend, and if they say no, I can play by myself.”
So, yeah, that’s what’s happening in toddler life right now. In a nutshell, it’s basically me trying to get to bedtime every night without leaving any deep emotional scars!
Your friendly neighborhood beauty addict,
Karen
Great job redirecting! Another great way to avoid the no word is to upfront frame your questions in a way where yes/no won’t answer the question and still give her choice. For example, instead of saying, “do you want to go to the bathroom” you can say, “we’re going to the bathroom. Would you like to hop or dance to the bathroom?” If she says no you can remind her that that she has 2 choices and no wasn’t one of them. This will also boost her comprehension skills so when it’s time to answer questions about stories she’ll carefully consider whether or not her response answers the question being asked.
Oh, that’s a great idea! I’m going to try that ASAP. Thanks, Jackie!
I’m an aunt, not a mom, but from watching my nieblings grow up I can tell you this: in many ways this *is* the hardest age, and in fact, it mostly gets easier from here.
I’ve heard that from friends, too, that once they’re able to do more things on their own it gets easier in some ways!
My heart would break too! Just like it broke yesterday when my son asked the friend of his older sister if she wanted to go cuddle with him and she answered: No, you are such a baby! He didn’t take it serious and instead came to me for cuddles, but I feel like that won’t be of great comfort to him in 10 years time…
Enjoy all those cuddles while you can!
Oh sistah, you are so much more patient than me. I can’t believe how grown up she’s gotten.
It’s been on a long time since I was on a playground as a kid but I remember being devastated when someone wouldn’t play with me. In fact, if one kid said no, I would be too crushed and upset to ask anyone else. I would just play by myself. But, also, I was an only child so I was really used to playing alone.
Love that she said you should write down your observations. That is so you coming out of her mouth.
I was complaining to a friend this morning about being out of patience with my son, who is 16. She said, “Jennifer, just imagine how you would feel if he wasn’t a good kid. Like what if you were going through all this and he was also a delinquent?” That made me feel so much better.
You’re raising a good kid. Remember that. It shows in her face. Stay strong!
Also, I thought I was the only one who used the F word in the car! Now I know two other ladies who do!
Thanks, Jennifer. You stay strong, too!
You are SO patient. LOL, It only gets harder from here though. When my son was little (3), I walked into his bedroom where he was getting dressed and he said, “I can’t get these g*d-d*amned pants on Mom, help me! Yikes! I realized then that I really need to really watch my language. He’s grown up now, but still never, never uses bad language around me. I love that. Keep on doing what you’re doing.
I know. I’m already trying to mentally prepare myself for 11, 12 and 13. I just hope that if she has to deal with mean girls or crap on social media that I can guide her in the best way I can.
I’m gonna ask you the same thing I ask everyone who has grown up kids. What’s the secret?
Karen you are a wonderful mother !
I just want to say the terrible twos last for 60 years . In my husbands case anyway .
Happy Thursday
Same with El Hub, ha ha ha!
Whew! Language! Good thing I don’t have kids! I laughed out loud at “I can’t get these g*d-d*amned pants on”. Sounds just like something I would say!!!!
Sounds like something I said this morning, LOL!
When I was 3 years old, most kids just stayed at home and made do with toys, TV, or siblings for entertainment. No one seemed to think pre-school or anything like that was necessary, and if it cost money, my family wouldn’t do it anyway. My mother was busy with 3 other kids in the house, one of whom was a new baby, so I didn’t get much more attention than necessary to keep me alive. I learned the rough lessons about childhood from my own brothers. I think Connor is one lucky kid. I think she’ll be okay about the schoolyard rejection from strangers. (It’s not fun, but it’s pretty much inevitable.) I had to cope with rejection from within my own family.
You’re doing great. The NO phase is very real. 🙂 Redirecting is an excellent tactic. My only advice is to never be “worn down and just give up” and never threaten something you won’t follow through on. Credibility and consistency are key. If kids think there are no consequences, it’s chaos (and bigger, more constant fights). We were a bit too heavy on the consequences, looking back. We try to be a bit more flexible now that we can have semi-rational discussions. HAHA!
You will have your heart broken a million more times over things like that but your answer was perfect. More unsolicited advice? Try to let the kids work it out (you’ll know what I mean when Connor is school age). Listen, support and give advice but, unless it’s something dangerous, know that even best friends will fight and fall out and make up. And you’ll probably hold a grudge longer than Connor will. HAHA! I know some moms who call the parents of their kids’ friends when there is an argument and actually talk to/text the FRIENDS to say they’re not being kind enough to little Suzie. They are not doing their kids any favors. 🙁