I painted my nails red in this shade a couple days ago because I’ve been thinking of my granny. Red is her favorite color.
I saw her last Sunday, probably for the last time. She’s 95 and currently in hospice care, so any day now, she’ll be headed to wherever we all go once we leave our bodies.
I want to think that she’ll soon become my angel and will visit me on occasion by popping by as a joyful, fluttery butterfly. It might sound silly to some, but it’s how I like to think of it.
We went to visit her last Sunday and to see her there, so small in her bed, was very humbling.
How do you even say goodbye to someone? Nothing ever prepares you for the hardest stuff, ever. Grief is so brutal that way, I guess.
I talked to her for a long time, and one thing that came up was a memory from when I was teeny tiny — 4 or maybe 5. Granny took me to the Sears photo studio to get my picture taken. I had a Dorthy Hamill haircut, which I loved! She put me in a blue dress with a white bow, and she painted my tiny fingernails a bright, glossy red.
She painted my nails again when I was a tween, when she gave me my first full-on manicure while we sat at the kitchen table. I remember feeling so grown up when she used the nail file to shape my nails, and how I was in awe of her ability to control the nail brush without getting any excess polish on my fingers.
When I saw her last Sunday, I held her hand, and her nails, as usual, looked perfect. They were bare but so smooth and perfectly shaped into ovals. It’s a memory I’ll hold in my heart forever.
Before I jet, I’ve got some news to share. The big scary thing that I thought I might have — the tests I took say no, that’s not it. To a degree, I’m relieved, but I still don’t have a final diagnosis, which means I have to go back for more tests and will continue living in this “in-between” world for a while until everything gets sorted out.
Weirdly enough, through all this, the universe has made it very clear to me one big message. It’s truly a joy to be alive.
The simple things, like walking Connor to school, or drinking a cup of coffee, or even just waking up in a house filled with the sounds of people whom I love unconditionally, are the best gifts.
Thank you for sharing the simple joys in this life with me, and I swear that it won’t always be this heavy! I’m just trying my best to get through it all.
Your friendly neighborhood beauty addict,
Karen
Karen,
I’m glad that your tests are showing negative. I have been thinking about you and your family everyday. I hope that you continue with good news.
My husband just lost his best friend (only 40) to colon cancer. I have known Chris since I was a teenager. Losing him at such a young age has been an eye-opener to me. The little things become….well…not so little anymore. A health scare or the loss of a loved one definitely changes your perspective on life.
More big hugs and positive vibes to you♥
I am so glad to hear that it was not the “big scary thing”, that you thought it might be.
I have been so worried ever since you told us that. I am so sorry that you have to continue to worry about what it might be. Having something hanging over you like that is so hard, and I hope you get your answer soon, and you can put this all behind you. Thank you for sharing so much with all of us, and please know that I am thinking of you and your granny and sending good thoughts and love your way. Please take care of yourself, and know that we are all with you.
I loved this post. I have no grandparents or step mom alive. I miss them all terribly. Rough when I just entered my forties. Treasure the memories. I agree, I believe they are all angels with me.
What sweet memories of your Granny. When my niece was little she called my mom “red fingernails Grandma” to distinguish her from her other Grandma.
Heavy things are a part of life, maybe more so as we get older. It really connects us all in a way. But there is still (hopefully) beauty, joy and love. Wishing you all those things.
Praying for you
Thanks, Lauren. I’ll take those good thoughts.
What a nice memory of your grandmother. Never forget, we’re thinking of you ❤️.
Thank you, Linda. Sending you a hug.
I’m very sorry to hear that you’re going through this situation. Try to stay positive. Know that you’ve made a difference in my life for many years–even before Connor was born! (Make-up and cats?
I’m in!) You’re funny and a great writer. I’ve learned so much from you about make-up and life, and I’m in my 70s! Stay strong!
Thank you, Mariana, for saying all these nice things. It means so much (even more than you know). Take care.
One of the most important things we can do it make certain that the people we love KNOW that we love them. Your Granny knows that you love her. Grief is indeed the price we pay for love, and as hard as it is, I wouldn’t have it any other way, for love is everything. She will watch over you, every day.
I’m glad your tests, while not definitive, are not what you feared. You are strong, and you will get through this.
So glad that your tests were negative! And while it sucks not to have a diagnosis yet, at least you know it’s definitely NOT the worst you were fearing.
Such a lovely reason to sport red fingernails.
I echo the sentiments already expressed! Glad the first test are not what you feared. And thank you for sharing. We’ve all been there . You are strong and you will get through it !
Your granny sounds like a treasure . What a great memory of your time together. See her as often as you can. Hospice can be short or long. Just be there for her – and you.
She would be proud of your Ted mails! Hand in there♥️
You can feel the strength in your family – it flows from your Granny through you and onto Connor. Thinking of all of you.
Thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort in all things.
I’m glad to hear that your test was negative. I hope your doctors quickly figure it out and you are well soon.
So sorry to hear about your Granny. She sounds like a wonderful and loving granny to have. Hold her memories in your heart and she will always be with you. My dad died over 20 years ago and I still feel his presence from time to time.
Sending you love and hugs.
Beautiful tender feelings! Thanks for sharing. My Grandma alway, always had her long pointy nails painted the same red, Revlon’s “cherries in the snow”. This is a good reminder I need to get a new bottle.
Grandma’s are super special and no doubt she will be your Angel!!!
I don’t comment here often, but I just want to let you know how happy I am that the medical problem is not the big scary thing you feared (though I’m sorry the mystery is ongoing)! Sending love to you and your grandmother. <3
I’m so sorry about your Granny, and I’m glad you were able to spend some time together before she passes. I’m also very relieved for you about your tests being negative. I feel like a growing number of people have “mystery” illnesses that can never be properly diagnosed, so I’m hoping you’ll get to the bottom of things and be able to treat/manage whatever it is.
That’s a lot to be carrying all at once. Your grandmother sounds like a wonderful person. 💕 I hope you get some answers soon.
Sending a big hug and prayers for comfort and peace.
Sending you so much love and lots of virtual hugs, Karen! May your granny feel your love now and always, and may thinking of her always bring you joy. You bring so many of us, your readers, joy through your posts! Lean on us whenever you need to. xoxo