Before we got hitched, El Hub and I were, to quote my mum, “serious” (“Are you two serious?”) for almost five years, so, technically, we’ve been together for a decade.
That’s a pretty good chunk of time to get to know someone, and while our relationship isn’t perfect, I haven’t wanted to kill him in his sleep (yet), and he’s remarkably tolerant of my PMS-fueled mood swings, so I think we’re doing all right, all things considered. 🙂
Seriously, though, we’ve been together for a while, and I think we’re still pretty darn happy. Looking back, there have been a few important moments over that time and one or two valuable lessons, like…
1. Get the sleep situation under control
Oh, man. I don’t even know where to start, but to make a long story short, the sooner you can work out any sleep problems, the better you’ll both feel.
Years before I met him, El Hub worked nights, and it permanently disrupted his sleep cycle. He tosses and turns all night long (always spinning counterclockwise, which is so weird!), and on top of that snores like a small bear. I, on the other hand, sleep soundly, but I need complete silence, and for everything to be still.
Our first couple of beds weren’t doing us any favors. One, a hand-me-down full-size bed from a family member, had weak springs and a soft mattress with a dip in the middle like a “V” that would draw us both toward the center of it like a sleep-sucking black hole.
With El Hub sleeping on the left side of the dip, his propensity to roll counterclockwise would usually keep him out of the middle, but I was rarely so lucky. I’d end up in the dip, wide awake, with my shoulders bunched up against my ears and El Hub spinning and snoring like a haunted carnival ride beside me.
FUN!
One night, I got so angry that I woke him up every single time he moved or snored. Weeks of sleep deprivation had brought out my inner crazy, and I decided that if I wasn’t going to get my REM on, neither was he. So childish, I know, but wouldn’t ya know it? — the next day we decided to get a new bed. 🙂
The moral of this story: if you think this guy/gal is the one, save yourself the heartache, and get the sleeping situation worked out as soon as possible.
2. You know you’re in it for the long haul when you have the “No. 2 conversation”
Like the book says, everybody poops.
It’s weird, but some things seem to matter more the older you get. A couple of years ago, a friend of mine and I were talking about her mom and dad. Her father had recently passed, and toward the end of his life, he became dependent on my friend’s mom for everything. She fed him, bathed him, and even helped him use the bathroom when his body had given up on him, and he was no longer able to do it himself.
Later that night, I talked to El Hub about it. Would he still be there if I couldn’t take care of myself? I wondered. In his charming, half-joking but entirely serious way, he said, “Of course, babe. I’ve always got your back.”
He even agreed to get the ultra soft, three-ply quilted toilet paper that I like, and not the cheapie, one-ply stuff that feels like sandpaper.
3. You gotta have jokes
Getting older isn’t easy and it’s not for wimps, but it really helps to have a partner you can laugh with. I’m talking about the gut-busting, gasping-for-air, side-cramp kind of laughter that makes tears stream down the side of your face. Truthfully, if we didn’t have this part of our relationship, I don’t know if El Hub and I would have lasted this long.
What about you? Have you learned any lessons from your long-term relationships?
Your friendly neighborhood beauty addict,
Karen
This post was so entertaining, as always Karen!
Yes, I also found it very entertaining!
Karen, you have a wonderful sense of humour and I appreciate your honesty. That’s why I keep coming back to check out your blog. 🙂
This post came out at the perfect time as today is my 5 yr anniversary with my husband. I have learned that if you have a problem it is best to just get it out of the way instead of brewing on it. We have been together 11 yrs now and this has truly been a savior for us. It is so simple yet it has made a world of difference in our relationship compared to others.
Omg Karen 10 years!?! My honey and I are also on 10 yrs!! And all I can say is amen girl I agree with all your points completely esp the laughter part! Congrats girl !!
I’m not even married yet, but my fiance and I have been together for a little over three and a half years and we have a two and a half year-old son. (Yeah, you can do the math on that one.) One of the very first things I figured out after we moved in together post-baby was that sometimes it’s just better to ignore the advice of others. Do what works for YOU, not what works for every other Sally Stepford couple out there.
Today is my 2 year anniversary! A sense of humor is definitely something you need in a relationship..we always joke together and I feel like we act laid back when together. Of course we know when to act appropriate, but I like that we can be silly together and always enjoy each other’s company.
This post is super sweet. Congrats on 5!
I love the sleep point–my husband snores like crazy, and the only amenable solution was ear plugs for me. I knew he really felt bad about it when one of my birthday presents (after we’d been dating a year) was custom-made ear plugs. 🙂 I also knew he really, really liked me. But we definitely needed to get that under control; we couldn’t even take naps together.
I’d say to figure out the animal situation, too. You’ve probably done the kid talk, but what if one of you is a cat person and the other a dog person? Allergies? You don’t want it to be a “the cat or me” situation if you two are really clicking in all other areas.
The “do what works for you” situation applies exponentially when you have a kid. We had a lot of speed bumps when Tommy came around, but once we put some space between the advice and us, things went a lot more smoothly in relationshipland. 🙂
My love and I are celebrating our 5 year anniversary today and I can’t believe how fast time has flown! In that time we have bought a home, switched our career paths, adopted 3 cats, and had our first child.ore than anything I am amazed by how our love continues to grow and change over the years! If there is one thing I have learned in our 5 years, it is the importance of acceptance. Neither of us is perfect and I don’t want to change some of my quirks (impulse shopping, devision aversion, etc.) so I have learned to embrace some of his (obsessive garage cleaning, etc.). A little give and take (within reason) is key.
I hear ya on all 3 of these. And I can sorta relate to the second one already. After my c-section I could barely stand, and needed help getting to the bathroom and sitting down. I was a vulnerable unshowered mess, but my hubby was there to hold me up (literally) without even hesitating.
I would add that in our 5 years I’ve learned to pick my battles. If something isn’t super important to me, I can let him win / have his way.
Sure Karen!!! I been married for almost 4 years!! And we have learned so much about ourselves besides relationship… We both are Lawyers so IMAGINE at first we thought it was a competiton!! And now we understand it’s not a war for who can or can’t be the best in arguing!! We negotiate And both give up on things!! So one day it’s his choice And another mine!!!
lmaooooo at “El Hub spinning and snoring like a haunted carnival ride beside me.” bwahaha, i really laughed out loud, hilarious
i want a great marriage like yours seems, hopefully one day. many more happy years to you!
You guys are so adorable, I can’t even take it. May you be married to eachother for the rest of your lives.
Karen, Congrats on 5 years! My husband and I are celebrating our 5 year anniversary today and have been together for about 9 years at this point. In our 5 years of marriage we have purchased a home, adopted 3 cats, both changed jobs, and had our first child and still after all of this time I am amazed by how much I still love him and how much our relationship changes and grows. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is to accept each other’s quirks. I used to get so upset because when my husband was in a bad mood he didn’t want to talk at all, I had to learn that that had nothing to do with me and understand that we cope with personal issues very differently. He has learned to accept my shopping binges, iphone obsession, and nighttime work hours (I’m a teacher and constantly grading papers or planning). I think a little give and take is so important, I don’t want to change things I love about myself and I can’t expect him to change those things as well. We both knew what we were getting into 5 years ago when we tied the knot!
Congratulations! 10 years of togetherness is a long time. I agree with you in all 3 points, especially point 1. It’s easy to get into an altercation with your mate when you don’t get enough sleep.
This made me tear up Karen. My hub and I just celebrated our ten year anniversary. I would absolutely wipe his behind. He’s given me so much, it’s the least I could do!
The best advice I have ever received regarding relationships was don’t allow taboo topics. Every relationship will have hard times, and those times will turn into things that you don’t want to talk about. But as the years become decades, there will be more and more of these topics. Eventually, there will be nothing left to say. Talk about the hard things, and insist that no topic is off limits. It’s been more than 14 years that my husband and I have been together, and I think this rule is the most important one we have.
Awww… I totally teared up reading this, too (thanks, PMS)! My boyfriend and I will be together five years this October. We’re totally different sleepers, too. I toss and turn and talk in my sleep; he’s mostly still but SNORES like a small bear, as you so eloquently put it! I can’t deal with snoring either, so I spend a lot of time poking him and making him roll over on his side (which usually eliminates the snore fest).
And the poopin’ thing… EL OH EL! Thankfully (mostly due to our crazy families) we are both VERY comfortable with bathroom humor and that sort of… “business”. Ha!
This post was too cute. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!
BTW… you are a fantastic writer, just thought I should mention it. I read lots of blogs but your posts always hold my attention and make me laugh!
You are so right on all of these things. I got married in December and we celebrated our first date three years ago last Saturday. I knew he was the one for me when I realized his word was something I could trust. My now husband does what he says he’ll do (and always has) from putting gas in the car to picking up tampons:) Not that these are things he enjoys…he’s not a wimp but if he says he’s going to do it, he does. That means a lot. Oh and he’s my best friend! That works for me too!
I love this post! It’s perfect advice: I’m getting married tomorrow!
♥ Jessica
Congratulations, Jessica! I hope it was wonderful! 🙂
I loved this post! All 3 points are VERY true and pretty much the stuff about marriage that no one wants to talk about. For me, the biggest thing I’ve learned is that you can’t expect to change someone. Be with them because you like who they are, not who they could be or who you imagine in your head. My husband and I met online, he lived in England and I lived here in the US, and we managed to make it work after a year and a half of waiting for his Visa and struggling to keep it together. We went 4 months without seeing each other; I know that couples have done much longer but it was rough for us. He’s a permanent resident here now, we’re married, we have our own place, and he’s gotten a good job. With guys I dated in the past, it never just worked. I always felt like I was putting more effort forward or I was forcing emotion. With him, it was instant. It just happened. I tell anyone with relationship issues that if it isn’t working, it isn’t going to. The initial attraction and base of the relationship should come naturally. Anyway, end rant! Teehee 😀
Karen this was the funniest best nonfiction thing I have read in ages! That sleep stuff was hilarious but so true!
Such a cute post. I think the most important thing is to not force things…either it’s going to happen or it isn’t, and if you have to force things, you’re not going to be happy in the end. Congrats girlie (and El Hub! He is lucky!) 🙂 I love your personal posts as always!
LMAO Karen , you are so funny! When I read #1 it was like I had written it myself!! As always, your blog has made my day! Love ya!
-Lori
congrats on your anniversary! i’ve been together with my boyfriend for almost 6.5 years and the sleep thing is so true! his bed used to have a huge dip in it from the years we was sleeping in it before i started sleeping over and i would always end up in the dip and he snored like a walrus. it was crazy x.x thankfully he got a new bed. but the other two points you made were solid as well. its definitely real when you’re able to talk about cleaning each other up in 60 years, and that kind of segues into #3 🙂
Haha so true! Congratulations and happy anniversary!
The Tempurpedic is a must for us! The only problem is that he gravitates toward the middle, and I’m sometimes awoken by an elbow on my face.
Also, he’s a nurse, so wiping my butt would be no big deal. Now, if I have to wipe his, who knows how that will go… 😉
Hi Karen, congrats on five years, and thanks so much for the post, it’s funny and inspiring
My hubby and I just celebrated our 15th anniversary….so listen to Karen all you newlyweds out there – she’s giving you the great advice! ;D
My husband & I will be married for 7 years this October & we’ve been together for almost 12. Humor is seriously so important, totally agree with you on that one! Gotta love those “laugh til your cheeks hurt & can’t breath” moments. 🙂
Unfortunately, my boyfriend and i just ended our 1 1/2 year relationship yesterday. Reading this post makes me feel bad about what i could be missing out on. I’m glad things have worked out so well for you Karen
“El Hub spinning and snoring like a haunted carnival ride beside me.” Ok that’s adorable! I’m the one that snores here,I’ll have to see if he’d like to go for a ride when he gets home =p
Congrats on your anniversary! I’ve learned most arguments are pointless and not worth the trouble,I can’t think of any fight that sticks in my head as being awful,I can’t remember the last time we had an argument. I suppose we might argue,but it’s usually over what ti cook for dinner or to eat out or in and not a real argument.
I am lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life,we’ve known each other since 1987 and been together as a couple since August 1997. Everything would be great if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m dying of stage Iv Cancer. I thought that maybe he’d be better off leaving to find someone healthy who could have kids and make a family and live happily ever after, I have never seen him so upset as he was when I made that suggestion,he’s here for me no matter what happens. He takes incredibly good care of me and I don’t know what I’d do without him,It’s heartbreaking for me to think of how upset he will be when I am gone. I love this man so much<3
Some of the best advice I ever received was to love your significant other for the person they are, not the person you want them to be. My relationship with my boyfriend of two years has endured because I love him just as he is. We laugh together (point #3!) and thankfully have no sleeping issues, however, our French Bulldog snores like a fog horn every night!
Congrats on your anniversary and thank you for the memorable and humorous article!
I was married to a rapper (I lost him in 2008, now a widow,) but we fixed our sleep arrangement during the 1st few weeks of marriage and it saved us from divorce! His creative juices would start flowing about 2am. 🙂 We were both night owls but rapping in the closet at all hours of the night and waking up to do so at all times would freak me out! We established a pretty cool routine. I’d give anything to be able to tell him “turn down your mic!” one more time and hear “sorry babe did I wake you?” um yea, along with all the neighbors and their pets. I miss my babe. Enjoy it all and soak up every memory. 🙂
My husband and I have been together since we were 17 years old, and we just celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary a week ago. I can definitely agree with your three important points to a happy relationship! The shared sense of humor is a big one for us. My husband makes me laugh like no on else can. 🙂 I would add a 4th point, which is that it’s important to have a partner who supports your dreams. You need to maintain a sense of self in a long-term relationship; it’s about being partners yet also individuals.
congrats 😀 i so agree on the last 2 parts 😀 don’t know about the first, i haven’t yet :”> but i hope he won’t snore 😀
Oh Karen that is such a great post. You almost made me wish I had found love.
i LOVELOVE this post. its fun and a great read, but its also very true!
living with one person can be tough, and i totally relate to all your points. the sleep situation used to be difficult but since i sleep through everything, its less of a worry for me. the hubs is totally jealous of that gift though LOL.
have a great weekend w/ El Hub and Tabs!
We went through the sleep thing, too. We have 100+ pound weight difference, so I would always end up “rolling downhill” and wake up with sore arms because I would be squished up against him. We solved with a king size bed and Sterns & Foster mattress.
The lesson that I learned after 5 years of marriage is that men ARE on completely different wavelengths when it comes to problems we ladies bring up. They go immediately into “fix it mode” that drowns out the entire conversation. That’s how the “you’re not listening to me!” ends up happening. Men don’t understand that they’re supposed to listen to us go on and on and on and that sometimes there’s nothing to actually “fix.” So I literally have to say, “Just listen to me rant, say ‘okay honey,’ hug me, and then I’ll be over it.”
I’ve known my El Hub for nine years, been married for nine months. I’m a new wife! Still, I have learned some things. 1) Have hobbies together, but don’t become conjoined twins. My husband and I are both gamer-geeks. Our idea of a romantic date is playing Starcraft together while drinking tea. We went to the last Entertainment Expo (and saw Riker!) together dressed as Black Mesa scientists. But we have different hobbies too. He plays airsoft, I’m a pain wimp. I like watching hockey, he wanders off bored after 6 minuits. Having some hobbies that are just yours is important to retaining individuality.
and beds are an important topic! During our engagement, we slept on a broken fouton held up by a milk crate. Its almost as funny as the cement and four-by-four shelves my mother had to tollerate during the early years of her marriage.
Thanks a very sweet and funny story, wish you guys many more decades to come!
OMG totally agree with point number 2!! my boyfriend and i have been together for 5 years and i think we started discussing the topic quite early on LOL healthy bowel movements are super important!! i totally get cranky and worried when there are problems in that department and i feel it’s necessary to be able able to communicate that with my significant other!! i listen to his poo problems too 😀 hahahaha
Congrats on five years! I’m hitting 15 years of marriage next month (we’re the same age Karen!) and you hit it on the head! Especially the laughter! If my husband and I didn’t have the laughs, I don’t think we would have lasted. I read all the comments, and congrats to the young lady getting married today, how exciting! Marriage rocks!
Kekeke! Happy 5 Years! And yep i second the comment – your posts are heaps entertaining! And u’ve got a great balance on make-up, life and tabs topics going on….i check up on your stuff so often – as much as i email now! 😛
Lotsa luv from down under~
I think you covered the 3 most important areas in a relationship, LOL! The “carnival ride” reference cracked me up as my fiance is a flipping flounder/snore machine some nights. We bought a new king sized bed a few months ago and some pretty pink ear plugs for me and now life is tres bon. The new bed helped him not snore as much, too – bonus! Laughter is SO important because if you can’t laugh together, what the hell’s the point?! I would also add that it’s important that you both have breathing room to do things that you enjoy by yourself or with friends/family. I love that my fiance has his own passions and hobbies and friends, and he feels the same way about me. We always joke that we never have to ask “permission” to do things b/c we already know it’s fine! I can’t imagine having to ask whether I could have dinner with my girlfriends, nor could I imagine him having to call me to ask for my blessing to play golf some random Tuesday night. We encourage each other to be independent and enjoy time spent with others just as much as we love being together. Congratulations to you, Karen, on 10 years of togetherness! ~And many more!~ =D
I LOVE this post. Its so very true.
I admit I was bustin’ at the first tip about the sleeping situation and you giving the hubz a night time beat down. LOL. My boyfriend is the same way. I rarely sleepover but I’ve experienced his “nightly music” before during afternoon naps and whatnot. So whenever I do sleepover, he doesn’t sleep cuz I’m hitting him the whole night each time he begins to snore and I don’t sleep cuz he’s snoring and I have to keep hitting him. Ridiculous!
But now, I have learned that if i sleep on one edge and he sleeps on the other, and I keep an extra pillow around as ear muffs. We are set to snooze. Cuddling is cute but him snoring directly into my ear is very UNCUTE..
Congrats on your Anniversary!!!! Here’s to another decade!
Just stumbled across this blog and I love it! Time to start saving up for the beautiful Guerlain Garcon lipstick 🙂
This really made me laugh! (as do all your posts) Congratulations on making it to 5 or rather 10 years! My husband and I are on our 3rd year and we have a 3 month old between us. It has been quite trying at times. Midnight feedings and screaming fests.. not exactly romantic.. but its all worth it in the end. and like you said.. its great to have someone who you can laugh with! It makes all the difference right? 🙂
#2 is hilarious! But can be related to a wider scope in that a couple should be able to talk about the unpleasantness of life (like would-rather-be-hidden feelings, mundane tasks, death, and so on). I’m glad you didn’t mention communication. That’s a gimme but is super important. What I’ve learned through my handful of “serious” relationships that did not work out is that you should always be you and he should always be him. Anything else won’t work and trying to conceal who you really are only puts off the inevitable. That, and always defer to Sex & the City 😀
I def. agree with this list. My fiance and I have been together almost 5 years (This Sept.) and we are FAR from perfect, but these three things really matter. I share your pain on the sleep thing, my fiance snored like a gagging grizzly bear. Like you, I need complete silence. Thankfully that’s resolved itself some how. No poking or prodding, just a sleepy “Babe, your snoring” and he subconsciously stops. Took me 5 years to figure out this system and it works for both of us.
The no. 2 conversation. Definitely. Nothing is more intimate than having that “conversation”.
And lastly, laughing. I know the laughs that you are talking about. The gut-clenching kind.
If couples nail these three things, they are in pretty good shape! 🙂
LOL. Love #2. Erm… I mean #2 from your list.
I really like your humor and writing style. I enjoy reading these odd stories, especially ones about Tabs!
I think it’s important to have harmony in relationship. I love reading in bed with James before we go to sleep. I’ve got my laptop to read blogs and he has his Ipad to read geeky stuff.
Congrats to you and El Hub xoxo
This post of yours made me go awwww. Congratulations on your five years of wedded bliss, and wish you many more side splits ahead. I do hope to find someone like that too—a man who can make me laugh, come rain or sunshine. Thanks for sharing this.
OMG, I usually keep the language to a minimum here but I just have to say that I laughed so freaking hard at your bed description that I snorted. I completely agree with #1 and we have exactly the same situation (except I can sleep through a lot). The Hubs also did a lot of shift work and is a flopper beyond compare. We compromised on the bed (not the ultra fluffy pillow top I wanted and not the 4″ thick plank that he wanted), but every night he says “I hate this bed – I think we need the sleep number mattress”. He’s mostly kidding. 🙂
I will also say that you have to be able to accept the bad/annoying things in your partner. It’s easy for anyone to love the good, but if you can’t at least accept the not-so-good, it’s going to be tough. People don’t change much so if one of his habits makes you want to choke him in his sleep, you’ll either have to get over it or move on. I’ve accepted that the Hubs will never, ever, ever remember to put dryer sheets in the dryer. This is a small complaint (except when my then-4-yr-old started screaming in the night “Mommy! Help! Fuzzy is on FIRE!” because his blanket’s static was sparking in the dark). It’s funny now! 🙂 Some people are more compatible; if things aren’t working out, it doesn’t mean that one of you is bad or wrong. You can both be perfectly great people who just aren’t so great together. I think that’s the hardest (and usually most heartbreaking) lesson for people. 🙂
Great post, I love it! I enjoy your blog and appreciate the occasional non-makeup post, and I always enjoy hearing solid marital advice. I got married three weeks ago, and the first thing I did was purchase room-darkening curtains and soft, comfy bedding. I have terrible insomnia in general and was worried whether I would be able to sleep with someone else in the bed, but I have been sleeping very well with my new hubby. An added bonus is being able to fall asleep and wake up next to the man of my dreams (we waited until we got married to live/sleep together). Snuggling in the morning is the best!
My advice (granted, based on very little experience) is to love and serve your spouse in many little ways, as those little things add up. My hubby makes me feel so special when he makes the bed or picks up some food that I enjoy or sends me sweet texts. It makes me want to do special things for him and to thank him for being a good provider. I think it is natural for these gestures to wane over time, but we can be intentional about making effort to make our spouses feel special and appreciated.
Your comment about the bed is so funny – the boyfriend and I just recently got rid of a bed that suffered from the same dip-in-the-centre problem. We both rolled into it though, and banging hips, shoulders and knees in the middle of the night is not fun.
Although I’m not married, I have been in several long term relationships in my time and I agree with everything you’ve posted, and much of what others have commented above. My only addition would be to pick your battles – sometimes, getting super angry at something your other half has done is just not worth it. Breathe through it, and go with the flow (unless it’s something really serious, of course, at that point letting rip is mandatory!).
Congratulations on five (ten!) years with your husband, Karen!
Great stuff! I love your blog so much, so how cool to find stuff about marriage on here too! My husband and I write a fun “he said/she said” marriage blog and just celebrated our 5th anniversary – on the same day as the royal wedding! We did an advice post like yours:
http://idoalready.tumblr.com/post/5043185176/a-truly-historic-day
Being in a long-term relationship is somewhat seen as a “bore” in today’s society, but it really can be so much fun, so rewarding, and so fulfilling.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now, and half a year ago we decided to move in together. It’s been wonderful. These are my tips for making it long-term:
1. Talk. A lot. Don’t have any secrets. You don’t have to tell absolutely everything, but everything that’s significant to you, is usually significant to your partner as well.
2. Try new things together. Doing something new is always exciting, but can be intimidating if you’re on your own. Trying something new that you’ve never done together is usually fun and often amusing as well. Even something as simple as cooking something you’ve never tried before and eating it together adds a little bit of spice to the mundane routines of everyday life.
3. Laugh together. If you can’t laugh with your partner, like tear-inducing, side-splitting laughter, I really think your chances of success are greatly reduced. Have fun! Relationships do take work of course, but people over-emphasize that; above all, relationships should be FUN!
4. Let the little things go. A lot of the time, things like forgetting to take the garbage out are really not worth fighting over.
5. Try not to argue. Instead, discuss. This one can be really difficult. But in the end, I’ve always felt much better for trying to calmly talk about a problem, than for screaming in each other’s faces. No hard feelings, either.
Emma:
Good advice! Our blog is totally tongue-in-cheek. We figured there’s a lot of stuff online that offers sincere, earnest info about marriage, so we wanted to have fun with it instead. 🙂