Tabs

Before we left the house yesterday, and actually I do this every time I leave for a trip, El Hub, Connor and I spent a long time telling Tabs that we love him, that we’re going to miss him, and that we hope he doesn’t throw any ragers while we’re gone.

It’s true, though. Whenever I go anywhere without Tabs, I feel like I leave part of my heart ? behind (although I don’t know if he cares that much about me, to be honest).

As you can see from these pics from his latest photo spread with his favorite pet sitter/freelance photographer, he was very excited about getting dressed up and celebrating Christmas Eve at the home office on his own.

He sent me a text earlier to ask if it was OK if his old CIA buddies came over for a visit, and at first I was like, “You were in the CIA”? And he said, “Mrow,” which, loosely translated to human speak, means, “Yes, how could you have not known? I didn’t exactly keep it a secret.”

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Every time I don’t give Tabs a taste of whatever I’m eating, he takes it as a personal slight, but in weird cat psychology, he thinks that his most coercive tool to woo me is by forcing lurvies upon me, so when he wants a taste of my croissant or my scrambled eggs or whatever, he won’t take no for an answer. He HAS to climb up on my lap or place a possessive paw on my shoulder, and then stare deeply into my eyes and telepathically transmit his desire. “Let me have some. Let me have some. Let me have some. Let me have some.”

It’s kinda annoying!

Tabs really got into his patrol this morning. We went out a little later than usual, so it was sunny, but it was still chilly and wet, which I actually think he likes.

Weirdly, fall is one of his favorite times of year. He loves it when the leaves are on the ground, because there’s more stuff to investigate, and he also likes keeping tabs on the local wild turkeys, which are at their most plump right now.

Plus, the grass is green and extra tasty.

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This is an exciting time of year for Tabs. We get company coming over, trees inside, blinking lights, the biggest turkeys of the year — it’s a cat cornucopia of comfy couches, fragrant foliage, tinsel, tasty treats and plump plumage.

As the head of the decorating committee for Tabs the Cat Industries, LLC, Tabs is responsible for the Christmas tree decorations, and I just sort of do what he says.

He hasn’t decided on the overall theme yet, but he’s got it narrowed down to baked red, green and silver catnip crispy ornament treats, or strings of classic white lights and red Christmas balls.

Probably. He’s not sure yet.

Whichever way he goes, he’s got a lot of help. The decorating committee on standby and awaiting orders.

As for this morning’s patrol, it was mostly uneventful, except for this one cat who tried to steal one of the decorative catnip plants by the company main entrance.

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Ode to Turkey

Oh, turkey, you tantalizing temptress of tenderness. Your tender vittles, voluptuous curves and fluffy tail feathers tickle my tabby whiskers and haunt my dreams.

You big, beautiful bird with your bountiful, buttery bosom, I long for your embrace…

Oh, turkey, let me worship your divine derrière. Come, my delicious darling, and let us frolic through fields of catnip.

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Tabs isn’t one of those cats who needs inspirational posters, holidays or memes to remind himself to be grateful for the blessings in his life. He just is grateful. He’s a cat from humble beginnings who rose to the pinnacle of the kitty modeling industry, and he’s never taken anything for granted.

We were talking the other day — yes, my cat talks to me — about what we’re grateful for this year. I expected him to say one or two things, but he rattled off a list of 10.

10 things Tabs is grateful for this year

1. Gravy — The green smoothie of the cat world. All of Tabs’s greatest achievements have been powered by gravy.
2. His younger sister — Their relationship is sometimes dicey, but Tabs is always glad to have another pair of hands to pet him.
3. Sunny spots for napping
4. His DIY custom-built deck cat condo — He’s watched many sunsets while dining on fresh organic catnip out there.
5. Sliced turkey — He prefers Columbus brand, because of its delicate balance of fine flavors, but any sliced turkey will do.
6. Outdoor walks at the crack of dawn
7. Fresh cat grass — The more tender the better
8. His long-term assistants (a.k.a. his family)
9. His silky coat
10. The invention of cat harnesses

He’s also grateful for his striking features, as evident in this tabby tutorial for a sparkly, funky Thanksgiving eye look

STEPS:

1. Apply a metallic bronze loose pigment to the inner half of your lids with a flat eyeshadow brush (I wet my brush first to really amp up the color).
2. Clean the remaining eyeshadow on your flat eyeshadow brush with a paper towel. Then, rewet the brush head, and apply the copper loose pigment to the outer half of your lid. Now wait for both eyeshadows to dry…
3. Seamlessly blend the bronze and copper eyeshadows together with a tapered crease brush.
4. Trace your upper lash line with black liquid liner, and flick out the edge, going up and out.
5. Draw a little autumn leaves flourish just above the bronze and copper eyeshadow with a brown, and yellow (or gold), liquid liner.
6. Finish with your most flirty, fabulous pair of false lashes.

Tabs is also grateful for kitty modeling (of course)

It was his ticket to fame and fortune.

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Tabs, as you know, has always been an affectionate cat. He’s not one of those standoffish kitties content to ignore you and never get on your lap for the entire duration of your relationship. He’s very loving, and when he sees a free lap, he’ll jump right on ya.

If you’re lying down, and he sees a stretch of tummy that could be potentially blanketed by his body, he’ll seek out that empty spot and chill for a spell. He’s very into his humans, and that’s one of the many reasons we fell in love with him.

But over the last year or so, Tabs has taken his affection to a whole new level. I don’t know if it’s just because he’s getting older and sleeps more during the day, so when he’s actually awake, he has to, like, squeeze in more lovies, but when he was younger, he’d sprinkle and parse out his affection throughout the day. You know, I’d wake up to a headbutt here or a nose tap there. Then I’d come down the stairs and get some kitty hugs.

Later, when I’d sit and drink my coffee, he’d come by and do a quick round of biscuits on my thighs. So, I’d get my Tabs sessions sprinkled throughout the day, a minute or two at a time. He’d stop by, then peace out for a bit.

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It was a dark and stormy night…

Actually, not really. It was a clear and chilly morning.

You know, we used to — well, not we. Tabs mostly. He used to outsource the first patrol of the day to a freelance security company, but in his semi-retirement, he’s come to realize that he’s an early riser and enjoys getting up before the sun.

This morning’s pre-dawn patrol was uneventful, so Tabs cut it short and caught up on some reading instead.

He’s been doing a lot of reading lately to his little sister/pet assistant intern. Their favorite book is called Big Cats, by National Geographic Kids, although he’s a little offended that he wasn’t hired to model for it. He is, after all, a big cat.

The second patrol occurs at 10 a.m. on the dot, and today’s was also relatively uneventful, so Tabs took the opportunity to lounge in the front yard and absorb nature’s bountiful gifts.

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