Tabs

My darlings,

One of the questions I’m constantly asked while on location posing for kitty modeling campaigns is, “Tabs, how can I be as fabulous as you are?”

First of all, it is possible. I know that I make it seem easy sometimes, but I wasn’t always this fabulous. It took a lot of hard work and purr-severance, and now I’d like to share the lessons I’ve learned with you.

1. Cultivate a network of fabulous friends (and frenemies)

One of the best ways to learn how to be more fabulous is to spend time with other fabulous friends. Watch how they handle professional and personal situations. When do they purr? When do they meow? How do they strut and pose? Observe their attitude and mannerisms, and take every opportunity to network and meet even more fabulous friends. Pretty soon, as some of their fabulousness rubs off on you, you’ll start acting more fabulously too.

While you’re at it, it’s also important to cultivate a few frenemies as well, because you know what they say about keeping your friends close and your enemies closer. That, and there’s also no such thing as bad press when it comes to being fabulous.

2. Hire a social media strategist

Social media is a key component of brand management these days, but in striving to become a world class kitty supermodel, your time will be limited, so I suggest hiring a professional to help you handle the day-to-day upkeep of your many social media channels, someone who can post daily glamour pictures of you and carry around your iPhone. This way, you’ll have more time to connect with your fans.

3. Shop where other fabulous cats aren’t shopping

Because true fabulousness is about paving your own way, be a trendsetter, instead of a trend follower.

For instance, if all of your friend cats are shopping at Chanel this season, buck the trend and shop at Prada or Dior. Forge your own path, and be your own cat.
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Dear Diary,

Jiminy Cricket, Diary, I’m exhausted! I’m not kidding. The new hire has been putting in a ton of overtime, and it’s digging into my precious nap time. She’s always at the office. I mean, I like working the night shift, but she really likes working the night shift.

I’ve tried to tell her to clock out and go home, but we’re having communication issues. It’s like we’re speaking different languages.

Even when I can sneak away for a nap, I can’t sleep long because there’s just so much noise in the office.

I thought a new mattress would help, but it really hasn’t…

I’ve also tried warm milk.

And I read once that a good way to get sleepy for bed is to read something boring, so I tried that, but now all I want to do is upgrade my tabby command center. I’m thinking about adding a rooftop catnip garden…

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Dear Diary,

Whoa! I only have time for a quick entry this week because I’ve been très busy, but I still wanted to update you on the big news in my life.

Finally, after nine long months of waiting on the HR Department, I met my new protégé, Ms. Connor Claire (please don’t call her CC).

I have to admit — we got off to a rocky start. When I introduced myself, the first thing she did was cry, so, obviously, I’m going to have to teach her business etiquette.

I’m very excited about taking her paw under my wing and showing her the ways of the kitty modeling world.

First item on the agenda: build her a wardrobe of stylish fashion basics. Everything will be covered in tabby cats, of course.

Affectionately,

Tabs

Dear Diary,

Something happened today. I don’t…

My favorite assistant didn’t come to work. She stayed upstairs in bed. I came downstairs expecting to find my morning gravy, and it wasn’t there. My litterbox hadn’t even been changed.

This is the first time in 10 years that anything like this has happened before, and I’m a little confused.

My assistant had been talking about needing to take some time off, but I just… I guess I didn’t take her seriously.

I thought she was happy working for me, and I honestly didn’t think she needed a break.

I’m not sure if this has something to do with the new hire starting soon, because she’s been talking about her a lot, but it’s weird. You know that saying about how you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone? Well, I understand what it means now.

I miss her. She’s the best assistant I’ve ever had. I mean, she’s more than just an assistant to me. I’ve known her most of my life, and she’s always been there, opening cans of gravy, scratching my chin and giving me my thrice daily massage. She has the best lap and the most beautiful eyes in the whole world.

You know what it is? I…love her. I hope she decides to come back to work soon.

-tabs

Dear Diary,

The new hire starts soon, and I’ve been doing my level best to get the office ready.

She comes highly recommended by my chief assistant, so I’m very excited. From what I understand, she’s a good girl, so I’ve taken it upon myself to mold her in my most phenomenal kitty modeling image. She will be both my muse and my protégé, because I feel a responsibility to share my breadth of kitty modeling experience with the world.

I want to be a good mentor to her because I never really had one myself (other than Tim Gunn), and you know me; I like to excel at everything.

Of course, she’ll need to learn runway walking, because it’s such an essential skill. A lot of new models incorrectly assume that walking with fierce purr-pose comes naturally, but it actually takes a lot of practice to correctly shake your groove thang.

Also, in order to eventually run her own fashion and modeling empire, she’ll need to know how to delegate, because no cat is an island. It takes a team. Behind every successful kitty supermodel is an army of fur stylists, makeup artists, personal chefs, personal trainers, nutritionists and masseuses. The new girl has to know how to dish out orders to keep everyone working at peak efficiency.

She also has to know how to lay the smackdown on wannabe divas, which is a skill I learned working with Naomi.

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Hello, my darlings. Happy Valentine’s Day to you all. This may come as a surprise to you, but this kitty supermodel is flying solo today.

I’m not bitter about it, though. I feel good about myself; I feel the love. I’m just a big ball of love right now, and Valentine’s Day is a time to celebrate love.

I am, however, feeling a little nostalgic for some of the loves of my life, like Snowflake. We dated off and on for about two years… She was a fluffy Persian with beautiful blue eyes, and we got along fabulously. She loved fashion and modeling almost as much as I do, but she wasn’t ready to commit. She was kind of aloof and wishy-washy. In the end, it just didn’t work out, but I’m not mad about it. We’re still friends.

Shortly after Snowflake, I met Taylor, and boy was she fun! She was loud, brash and bold with diva tendencies, but I learned something valuable in that relationship. I learned that two divas is one too many divas in the same relationship. The balance was off, and it was a recipe for drama.

Yup, the relationship only lasted one month…

After Taylor, I starting seeing Adriana, a sultry Abyssinian.

SO sweet. SO sassy. But she was also afraid to commit.

Gosh, when I think about her now, I remember so many good times… We fit a lot of feline fun into about six months.

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Dear Diary,

As I sit here polishing my 2007 Super Bowl championship ring, I can’t help but feel a little bit nostalgic… As you know, I used to play professional ball for the Mill Valley Wildcats, and sometimes it surprises me that people don’t realize this. Yeah, my career, although it was short, taught me so much and prepared me for this life of fame and luxury.

Football taught me discipline, toughness, and it taught me how to basically stand up and be fierce. And if you can handle the pressure of the Super Bowl, basically, you can handle anything, even Karl Lagerfeld on a bad day.

So I’m walking down memory lane today. I mean, without that opportunity, without playing tight end for the Wildcats, I don’t know what would have become of me. I was just a cat on the mean streets of Mill Valley when that scout discovered me and said that I had the right physique and temperament to be a star in the NFL.

Unfortunately, my football career ended suddenly with a tail injury, but it gave me the confidence to transition over to kitty modeling. The rest is history.

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Dear Diary,

I wanted to start this Sunday entry with some thoughtful, uplifting words…

But I’m crabby! — like, really crabby, and if I can’t tell you, Diary, who else is there? No one else knows me like you do.

Basically, I’m accustomed to having unprecedented, around-the-clock access to my primary pet assistant, in that she usually lets me climb all over her, put my butt in her face, and drape myself all over her forearms while she’s typing, but such has not been the case lately.

Like, yesterday, all I wanted to do was perch myself on top of her shoulder while she typed at the company keyboard, but she left the office early.

Can you believe it? Not working on a Saturday?? The nerve of some cats and people… She smiled at me and breezily walked out the front door saying, “I have a baby shower today! See you later, Tabs!”

Yeah, I have no idea what that was about…

All I know is that I’ve been in dire need of lurvies and purring action, and if I don’t get some soon, I will be kicking kitty litter out of the litter box.

That reminds me — Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and I still have to find a date. I do have several prospects lined up, like Chiffon. She’s the lovely long-haired Persian I met at the vet last week, but it really depends on her schedule. She said that she might have to wash her fur that night or get some dental work done.
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