It’s harder in some ways than I thought it would be, but it’s easier in others, and before I had Connor, to be honest, for many years, I put off having children because I was deathly afraid that I would be a terrible mother.
Not like I’m the “no wire hangers” lady, but I thought, “Oh, I’m gonna traumatize this child in so many ways. This child is gonna be a complete nut.”
And then I would think, Ted Bundy has a mother… What if I give birth to Ted Bundy?
Ya know, all the crazy stuff that runs through your head, or runs through my head…
But then people would tell me, “You’ll do great. You’ll be fine. You’re gonna be a great mom.”
I could give you a list a mile long of the things that I feel I do wrong in life. So many things. But even though it’s only been seven months, I think I’ve been a pretty darned good mom.
It’s just so different putting anyone else’s needs so completely before your own. I always thought I was too selfish for it, but now I just want to give her everything. Whatever I have. I don’t even know where I’m going with this…
I think what I’m trying to say is that life changes dramatically because you are much busier than you thought you could ever be, just in terms of child care, but at the same time, the littlest things feel new and rich, like the power of a binky, or crawling, which she is this close to doing. It’s a perspective shift, and it’s exciting, seeing the world through a different lens.
I’m glad she gave me the chance to feel this.
If the cards had fallen differently, I think I would have still lived a rich and interesting life. I was happy before, and I’m happy now. More tired now too.
I think I would have still been happy if things had played out differently, but I’m grateful for this chance, ’cause she’s cool. I love her. I think I’ll keep her around a while.
Your friendly neighborhood beauty addict,
Karen
what’s it like?
it’s freaking INSANE.
Well that’s one way to put it, LOL! ?
oh tweenagers……..
:/
I love the way you ended this article – this is what I’d call a balanced stance. No drama about “Oh, it’s the BEST thing in life, you’re not fulfilled if you don’t have a child” or “Children are for people with no other ambition”. You just say it as it probably truly is – it’s great, but it’s not necessary in the true sense of the word. So, thanks for these wise words. 🙂
When I got pregnant, it was totally unplanned. I felt too young (24 and starting my master’s program) and we were not married. I was scared to death. 12 years later and I wouldn’t have changed a thing. There will always be different things to stress over at any age she is, but I love my daughter with all my heart. It’s not something that can be truly understood until it’s experienced. All I can say is treasure all the moments, good and bad, because they go by so fast. There’s no doubt you’re a great mom Karen…You got this!
Thank you, Melissa. ❤️ You’re so right in that the time goes by fast. Connor will be 7 months in just a few days, and it seems like only yesterday when it was me and her tiny self in my room spending each and every day with each other. I just got back from a exercise class and all the ladies were talking about their teenage daughters, and I can’t believe that’ll be me someday. I’m sure it’ll go by in a flash. How old is your daughter now?
It’s sad because when she was a baby I recall saying over and over how I couldn’t wait until my daughter grew up a little more…it was a hard transition becoming a mom. Now, I get a little sad realizing how I wanted to rush that precious time along. She’s now 12 years old, and trust me, I’ve learned my lesson.
It was the experience I wanted to have. But I have left are a ton of pictures.
It was the experience I wanted to have. But I have left are a ton of pictures. Im sure you will do great
Sending you a big hug, Icequeen. ❤️
thank you sending a hug back <3
I can’t tell you how much I love that photo. It’s really, really great. Captures everything.
I was so freaked about motherhood too and I always have wanted to be a mom. I read memoirs about motherhood and mothers for a few years before we even started trying. I think I was trying to prepare myself psychologically.
What I wasn’t prepared for and I don’t think there’s anyway to prepare for it is how intense and immediate your love for your child is. That was overwhelming for me. Basically from the moment I heard his voice in the delivery room. That was it. I turned into Mama Bear!
Motherhood, at least for me anyway, has been like living another life all over again.
And the crazy thing is, I kept waiting as my son aged and progressed for parenting to not be fun anymore or to lose my interest, isn’t that funny? But, my son is 13 now and we still have the best time together. Is everyday a bed of roses? Of course not.
But, he’s so funny and smart and we just love him to pieces.
So happy for you and el hubs
I agree. Everything is different after you had a child. I always knew I wanted children, and I was prepared to love them like I love my family, but I was not prepared for the change I went through, and the complete love you are able to feel for someone else.
But if I hadn’t experienced this, I would have had other things that I would have held dear.
I also love the way you ended this. I think someone can be completely fulfilled wit out kids. I myself, have 4. A 5 yr old, 3 year old, and twins that are 2. We only planned 2, and got pregnant with the twins on birth control. Its freaking insane. Especially because we both work full time and have no family in the state. We all have a different deck of cards and can be fulfilled depending on how we play them. Thanks for this beautiful post!
It is so funny to read your blog today. It so reminds me of me when I became pregnant with Zack. I was about the same age as you, even a bit older. I kept putting off having a child for a variety of reasons. Mostly, I thought that I was too selfish of a person and felt that I would not be the “perfect mom”. Well, 15 years later and I realize, I’m not the perfect mom (or wife for that matter), but I don’t care. I love my son unconditionally and can’t imagine my life without him. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments I think, “why did we have a child”, but then I look at him and what a great little man he has become and continues to amaze me. That’s what it’s all about! You just gotta love ’em!!!
I think you have a good heart and want good things for those you care about. Those are key components to being a good mom. <3
It’s the BEST, hardest, most rewarding job I’ve ever had. The amazing thing is you can do all these other jobs before and during motherhood, but the motherhood job just keeps going on and on. It changes, sometimes every three to six months, sometimes the interval is longer, but it is definitely not the same day to day, year to year.
My baby girl is 23 and I’m still her mom. Loving her, defending her, protecting her, trying to get her to be her best self, worrying about her.
Enjoy the ever changing experience that is unfolding before you!
Connor Claire is lucky to have such a wonderful mom.
Wise words!
It helps when your sprogglet has the cutest little squish-face. Even when you feel sick with exhaustion, that little face must brighten your day!
When I was pregnant with my 14 year old, I was terrified that “Stephanie” was going to go away, and be replaced by this person called “mom.” I mourned who I was. Then I had her, and I realized that I was still Stephanie!!! I just had this baby. I love being “mom”, but I also love being “Stephanie!”
You’ve got this girl!! Been there done that x4 ????
You are a pro, Sandy! What’s the secret? I need to know!
Hi Karen – I enjoyed this post. Thank you for sharing what it’s like to be a mother. I didn’t ever get the chance, I guess I was unable to have children – and it still bothers me somewhat, but I know that there must have been a reason. It makes me all the more grateful for Gracie. I had an unloving mom, and I know that having not bonded with my mom, becoming a mother would have been difficult for me. I know that I’m impatient and selfish – but I’m also very compassionate – almost too much so. I’m also very empathetic, I often times can tell how others are feeling when they don’t know. This intuition kept me safe.
I’m so happy for you – It’s been quite the process to see you change and watch you grow. It’s been very neat. Sometimes I’m envious in all honesty. I suppose that’s kind of normal being that I love children. I’m still pondering being a Foster Parent. It’s just that being single, I hesitate. My health isn’t the greatest either.
At any rate, all God’s best to you and your clan. Thanks for sharing!!!
Grace and Peace!
Gina and Gracie.
Karen,
Connor Claire looks like she is enjoying the ride with you…jeez she is just the cutest little thing!
xoxo
Anne Marie
See, I think I know how you used to feel… I think I am much to selfish to have a child. I don’t know if I could deal with having my entire life be about someone else. Plus I’m kinda… weird? lol. Too weird to have a kid and not mess it up, I think?
But then again you also felt like that. And look at you. You look like SUCH a good mom! We can all tell how much you love Connor. And what a happy child she is. And you seem to handle being mom with such grace! If I ever change my mind… #momgoals right here.
*too selfish (it’s early here, brain not fully on yet)
You are not that weird, Melissa, ha! Us makeup addicts can be a quirky lot, but individuality and passion are not bad bases for children upbringing.
I’m so glad you wrote this post and that I’m not the only one who has had those thoughts about the possibility of having a child. Are you sure we don’t share the same brain? The traumatizing, the Ted Bundy thought… Same same same!
I love that you shared how wonderful it is to be a MOM. I probably won’t get the opportunity to have children myself so I love hearing all about it from others. Luckily, I get to work with children so I get a full daily dose of them! Plus I am a fantastic aunt to two wonderful boys. 🙂
PS: Conner Claire is so cute!!
I knew you’d be terrific. Worrying about being a terrible mother is what helps us to be better, I think. 🙂 And I agree 100%. If I didn’t have kids, I would never have known what I was missing and would have been perfectly happy. Now that I do know, though, I’d choose a life with my boys every time. Even when they drive me nuts!
Did you really have a doubt in your mind you’ll be a great mother? you are such a creative, fun, adorable person and I am sure Connor Claire will look up to you. The thing is, nobody can prepare you to the waterfall of emotions that come with being a mom, I am myself a mother to a girl a month older than yours, and things have changed so much so many times in the past 8 months! at first you want them to crawl and now that she’s following me everywhere on her little fours and she’s so quick (how?!) you have to worry about a lot of things you never worried before, like open drawers, low sharp edges, washing the floor a lot cuz you know, she puts her hands in her mouth all the time.. but when she smiles at you or looks at you with gratitude, it is worth the world. I am looking forward to discover more from that chatty little person and cant wait for her to start talking! I am sure we’ll crack tons of jokes. Your smiley lady looks just as fun, and a happy child is the ultimate stamp that you’re doing something right.
Plus you’re blogging a lot now and shooting a lot!! how do you do it, oh super mom? Please share 😀