Next week, I’ll officially be six months into “The Journey to Grow Out My Grays,” and let me tell you…it’s been hard! It’s been even tougher than growing out my brows, which is sort of counter-intuitive, right? Because I’m not actually doing anything… The hair is doing all the work. I’m just living my life, but dang if it hasn’t been a test of will and a test of my mental state.
Ah, man!
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The Journey to Grow Out My Grays
- Growing Out My Grays: Chapter 1
- Growing Out My Grays: Chapter 2
- Frivolous Friday Chit Chat: Growing Out Gray Hair, J. Lo Makin’ Me Want to Go to Pilates Every Day, and Blending Boot Camp
- Is There a Graceful Way to Go Gray?
Yet again, I came *this close* to dying my hair, because, to be honest, I’m still not loving it… I don’t want to say that I “hate” it, because there are definitely some aspects that I like, like the freedom from not feeling like I have to go get my roots done every few weeks, and not always feeling like my hair is in a transitional state. I like feeling that my hair just is what it is, you know? This is the color, this is what it looks like now, and I don’t have to maintain it. I don’t have to spend the money, time or effort making it into something it isn’t.
That’s been liberating…
But there are other things I still… I really, really don’t want to say “hate,” because it’s such a strong word, and this is my body. I don’t want to hate anything about my body. Plus, hair is just the frosting, right? It’s just the outside stuff. I tell Connor this all the time: “It’s what’s in your heart that matters. What’s inside determines your worth.”
I know these things are true.
But then I see myself in the mirror, and the person looking back at me doesn’t look like the person I grew up with. I’ve cried more than a few times over the past few weeks. It’s hard for me to say that, but it’s true. Because I really am not loving how I look with salt and pepper hair.
Connor and I took this selfie at an Easter egg hunt last weekend, and I’m almost full-on gray now.
At this point, I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to keep doing this experiment. At the start, I told myself that I was gonna go at least six months… I may try for eight, or I may walk into a rand-o salon this afternoon and walk out with pink hair! It could go either way.
What have I learned so far? Well, some of the best advice I’ve gotten was from a friend who grew out her grays last year, and she said, “I oil the crap outta my hair.”
You know what? That has been really helpful, especially since my hair has gotten progressively coarser as I’ve gone more gray.
The more oil I work into it (I do it when my hair is damp, right after I get out of the shower), the better off I am. My hair feels less crunchy, the grays are less unruly, and they’re generally better behaved.
Also, and I don’t know if this is considered kosher, but it’s been helping me out, sooo…when I do my hair, and I’m doing my best to tame the flyaways, if there are any rogue hairs that simply refuse to bend to my will, I freakin’ pluck them out, man!
I know they’ll just grow back anyway, but I can’t deal with the two- and three-inch pieces shooting out at weird angles. But I *only* pluck them after making a herculean effort to smooth them down.
At this point, I think the rogues are all gone… Again, I don’t know if this is cool, but I’ve been doing it, and it’s been working for me.
Oh, and I can’t believe I forgot to mention this next thing, because it’s one of the nicer consequences, but I’ve met a few very nice moms lately who’ve told me that I look young for my age, which always feels good to hear. I can’t deny it. I tell them I had Connor at 40, and I’m always upfront about it. I’ve met a few moms over the past few weeks who’ve said that I look like I’m in my mid-30s.
I thought gray hair would make me look older than my 43 going on 44 years, but maybe it hasn’t?
I dunno… Maybe that’s just me reaching.
Anywho, that’s been my journey so far.
Your friendly neighborhood beauty addict,
Karen
Karen! I’ve read your blog for years and never commented. Connor and my daughter are about the same age, and I had her about the same age you had Connor.
I don’t currently dye my hair–I used to in my thirties, and quit when I got pregnant, so I’ve watched my grays come in (and in! and in! and, dang it, in!). What stops me from dying it now is the hassle, and then thinking about having to let it all grow back to natural if I ever chose to. I also struggle with my desire to want to “look my best” while also wanting to set an example to my daughter that, like you said, beauty is internal and aging is a gift in its own right. Needless to say, these posts have my attention!
I’m not thrilled with my gray but for me, it’s been a gradual thing, like when you don’t notice the weeds in your front yard and then one day you pull up and your whole yard is dandelions. Do I set the yard on fire or just mow the lawn?
With younger people dying their hair gray and older people dying their hair not-gray, I think skin tells the real (superficial) story of age, and your skin game is strong. It’s not surprising your mom friends have said you look younger. All that being said, I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer to the hair color issue!
I appreciate your bravery and honesty on all issues surrounding beauty and makeup, along with your sense of humor! Thanks for all you do for all of us.
You make a good point about skincare being more of an age determinant than hair color. I’ve always embraced my grey—from the very first silver hairs to the full on silver mane—and at no time did I ever think it defined my age. No matter what color our hair is, it is the condition of our skin (body and face) and overall good health that tells the story.
Hi Charlie,
Thank you for your thoughtful, sweet comment. And thank you for the reminder that making it this far is truly a gift!
To go grey or not is a personal decision and each woman will hopefully make the one that is right for her. Personally, I wouldn’t trade my long, silver hair for any color that I could get from a box or in a salon. I’m a “silver fox” ?
That grey hair makes you look older is just one of those hoary old chestnuts that keeps women doubting their beauty and reaching for the hair dye. Relax! Keep your hair in good condition and styled in a flattering way and you’ll look stunning no matter how little or how much grey you’ve got. Don’t believe me? Their are countless media images that show just how beautiful healthy, grey hair can be.
I think what really throws some women for a loop is that they don’t know how to adjust their makeup and clothing color palettes to make the most of their shifting hair color. Consequently, over time, what used to work begins to look a bit off, they become frustrated, blame it on the grey, and go back to coloring their hair. But, once again, the media is loaded with good ideas as to what works for those women who have decided to go grey.
BTW, are you familiar with Nikol Johnson? She’s a makeup artist in her 40’s who has gorgeous salt and pepper hair.
Just looked her up! Thanks, Eileen. I’m looking forward to binging on her videos on my lunch break. 🙂
I think you look amazing in the salt and pepper look, but it really is what’s in your heart that counts and what’s inside your heart is really great, Karen.
Also lots of people go grey and still look young, which you do! My friend Andrea is about your age and has a beautiful fully silver mane and I legit thought it was dyed because she looks younger than she is. And my trapeze teacher in her 30s has this amazing white streak.
I don’t know how I’ll deal when my color changes. Red hair just kind of fades instead of going grey, kind of a beigey color that’s hard to describe. I might full on panic because being a redhead is just such a part of me. If I wasn’t a redhead I’d want to do bright colors – maybe that’s what I’ll do when that time comes.
Aww, Chelsea. Why you gotta make me tear up?! Thank you for your sweetness and your kindness.
You always look beautiful, grays showing or dyed away. Do what makes you happy. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. If you are crying about it, maybe it’s just not the right time to be going natural? Take care!
Thank you, Lily. You have a sweet heart!
Not that you need anyone’s approval but girl, it’s okay to start coloring it again! I’m some 2 years plus into growing mine out and I still consider permanent dye periodically. I have thicker chunks of white around my face which sometimes I think look really funky and cool and other times just make me look washed out/accentuates the thin spots. And the unrulyness is no joke. I have a cowlick that causes one of those white bands to grow straight out from my head and they also are mostly short from that postpartum hair fall and it’s seriously ridiculous looking on the regular. What stops me is the lazy factor of I hate taking the time to dye it at home and I know even with my hair short it’s 2 years or so to get it all grown out. Talk about commitment. But considering how negatively it’s affecting you, I’d really consider just chucking it and getting it colored.
Girl I feel you. The laziness factor has been a major reason why I haven’t gone back yet. It’s freed up so much time and mental bandwidth! I LOVE THAT ABOUT IT. I wish I had cool chunky white streaks like yours!
Karen,
I love your grey and I love your honesty! I hear you on those mixed feelings about aging, but when I also read that you don’t want to hate anything about your body- what a GIFT for your daughter. Learning to love yourself and take good care of your body(yes to those HIIT classes and well balanced eating making you strong and youthful) is the best gift we can give to ourselves, and in turn to our daughters who are absorbing every message we don’t even realize we are sending! I’ve always looked forward to seeing grey because my white haired grandma was my role model but for me it’s wrinkles, belly flab and sunspots that make me feel challenged to embrace the signs of my age. This is something that I work on for myself and my daughter every day. Cheers to you on your journey of health, well being and balance.
Thank you, Lorraine. I’m trying to be a good example for her, and it’s made me look inward in ways I never have before. I’m trying to practice radical self love and it’s harder than I thought it would be!
If you are looking in the mirror and crying, it’s time to color your hair! I’m experiencing genetic hair loss which is devastating. I finally found a dermatologist who can help and I’ve been going for costly laser treatments but they are working! I don’t know if I’ll ever have the massive head of curly hair that I had before, but it’s filling in and I’m not shedding constantly like I was. I was using topicals from a previous dermatologist (who had no business treating hair loss btw), and they stripped ALL of the color from the top of my hair. Not only did my natural color get very dark (gross, I’ve always been some variation of medium blonde), but the gray around my face!! OMG! I wanted more hair to grow in before I had it colored so I waited a LONG time and I was miserable. Finally got highlights done & the gray covered on Saturday and YAY I can go back to being me again! It’s all about how you feel. I know I would not be happy with my natural color the way it is now!
OK, girlfriend, I’m just going to throw this out there. Maybe it’s not the grey hair that’s really upsetting you. Maybe they’re the outward symbols of an internal struggle. The early 40’s are a big transition period. (Remember, I’m only a few months younger than you. I’m going through this, too.) My mom and her friends told me that sometimes it’s like being 12 years old. You’re leaving behind one stage of your life and entering another. They said sometimes the transition isn’t as smooth or as quick as you’d like.
The thing that I freak out about isn’t grey hair (I’m fine with dyeing mine right now); it’s clothes. I’m paranoid about dressing age-appropriately. My aunt is infamous for dressing 30 years too young and I don’t want to look like that, but I don’t want to look like my 88 year old grandma, either. But I’m okay with letting my girls see that struggle. To an extent. I’d rather them see me struggle and handle it to the best of my ability, because that’s real and honest and they can learn from it.
I know, paging Dr. Freud, right? But it’s something to think about.
Karen, I felt your emotions on this one! When you said you catch a glimpse of someone different in the mirror I can relate. I’ve had illness and just age do that& i took it harder bc I didnt have my Mom teaching me “its just the frosting” great message. That is healthy freedom! Now someone will compliment me and say no way you’re 50. Thats usually not about my hair but my eyes&skin. It’s when my eyes are sparkling with joy&health from eating well, hiking in nature happily that i get the compliment. I can have perfect makeup, hair and something can be off. I swear self care mind, body, soul, spirit is the anti -ager. This is the example you are teaching and it shows on you for real! You cant fake that with hair dye, makeup always. That said I think you have to feel good about yourself too– so don’t get too down if you aren’t liking your grays. If they make you feel older then you won’t like where you are as much.
I was watching Beauty 101 by Lisa and she had to dye back to brunette after a flat iron mishap. She was upset as it was a journey growing out. I read a great comment there – bleached, natural, permed, etc if it makes you smile thats all that matters.
Karen, if I could do make -up as well as you can, I wouldn’t care what the hell colour my hair was!
My hair was significantly grayer than yours at a much younger age than you are. I have to disagree with those who say that people can still tell you’re “not old” by one’s skin appearance. My skin has always been excellent (except for acne when I was young). When I let my hair go without coloring, I was very often treated as if I were a senior citizen. People (especially men) judge women’s age by hair color just as much, if not more, than skin appearance. That’s why hair color is such a big business.
But if I had to forgo coloring my hair, I wouldn’t obsess about it. As a cancer patient, I just mainly concern myself with surviving as long as I can. Appearance is not that important in the overall scheme of things.
I’ve probably said this to you before, but I’ve had so many comments on how young I look since I let my hair go silver.
I’ve almost always had positivity with my hair change, but I’ve definitely had a few ‘yikes’ moments. For me, a change in hair style or a new pair of glasses has helped get me out of that mood.
Having said all that it’s up to you – your body, your decision. One of the great things I’ve found about getting a bit older is the total lack of f’s I give. If I want to cut my hair, or shave it off, or dye it pink, it’s no ones business but mine.
PS you look rad with salt & pepper hair though.
Karen, I can identify with looking in the mirror and kind of feeling like you’re not yourself. From childhood until my early 40’s, my dark hair was always a defining part of my look and a representation of my my Greek/English/Cherokee heritage (when you’re maybe-Caucasian looking with strong features and long, naturally near-black hair it’s always the start of a “what are you?” conversation). But it’s that dark base that makes my gray stand out; it let’s you know it’s here and it won’t be ignored (haha), and it reminds me of how my grandparents looked when I was little, with that strong iron-silver mix. It’s a reminder of my family history and it makes me feel proud. This is me now, and to deny that or try to change it at this point in my life feels inauthentic. It took me a while to get here. My perspective going into my late 40s has evolved SO much. I just love Janet’s comment, that “one of the great things I’ve found about getting a bit older is the total lack of f’s I give”. Totally on point for me!
I love the way your hair looks in the selfie, but I understand – we cling to the picture of us growing up, and dealing with the changes is like dealing with a stranger that claims to be your body.
I think you have to do what makes you happy! I don’t see myself ever growing out my gray – I’m an obsessive colorer. BUT, that’s because of what *I* like to see in the mirror, not because of what other people think. It’s the same reason I spend so much time and money on skin care and I don’t leave the house without makeup and my hair looking decently styled. I want my outside to match how I see myself on the inside (for as long as time will allow! HAHA!). It’s great that your focus is on being a good role model for Connor but that doesn’t mean you have to go all au natural if it makes you unhappy. You’re not swearing off shaving or hair cuts or clothes or makeup (or personal grooming). There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look like the best version of you. I’m not one for surgery or botox or anything, but I don’t think that you can put hair color and makeup in that same category. In short, I don’t believe that whether you color your hair or let it go gray will affect Connor’s self-love in any way. Do what makes YOU happy! <3
I’ve been following your going gray story for a while. I am in the exact same boat. I am 45 and have just a little bit of gray mostly in the front and I get those colored about once every three months. This last time I was wondering if I should just let myself go gray. My husband went great early we are the same age and he is almost about 100% gray. He advised against it!!
I have a really pronounced Babyface – it’s mostly genetic along with good skin care. Most people think I am at least 10 years younger than I am. It’s great except for sometimes when they give me the side when they hear about my 14 year old (I also have a second grader).
My quandary has always been if I let myself go gray will I start to look my real age? And am I OK with that? I always tell the truth about my age but secretly I really love the surprise that is on everyone’s face when they find out that I am much older than they thought. I wondered if I would get that anymore.
My best friend and I chatted about this last night. I’m beginning to wonder if dying my hair and “passing for younger” is something along the lines of folks who would pass for another ethnicity one that was deemed more socially acceptable. I don’t want to be part of this culture that says that growing old is somehow an attractive for women. I want to be one of those ladies that looks amazing with gray hair.
You may be giving me the courage to let those streaks come. But dying the grays pink does seem cool!!!
Karen, KEEP IT UP.
I will be 36 this September. I had my one and only child right before I turned 28. I always had full on Ronald McDonald red hair. I would bleach and dye it myself, but it became TOO time consuming with a little one. I switched over to black hair and even that became too much work to cover my grays. I’ve had gray hair since my early 20’s. Finally, when my daughter was about 3 1/2 years old, I stopped dying it. Black Friday, 2014 was the last time I dyed it black. It has taken me almost 4 1/2 years to grow my hair out to completely %100 natural hair color, grays and all. I LOVE IT. I have long hair that reaches my backside, and it was tough growing out. NOT because I’m ashamed of my grays, but because I’ve been dying it since I was…14? I always just enjoyed knowing my hair was colored. I loved dying it. I never dyed it to try and cover the gray. I love it so much now and look forward to more grays. Sometimes I’m tempted to dye it again, but the work and time it took to grow out makes me rethink it. Enjoy not having to spend time/$/effort on it. You look fabulous.
Hi Karen! I’ve been reading you for the last 10 years and this is the first time I’m commenting – I know for shame! Makeup and Beauty blog is part of my daily routine and I look forward to it.
I’m 35 and I started getting gray when I was 19. I have really dark hair like yours almost black, and so it’s a white silver. I have been every color of the rainbow like yourself, and a couple years ago I let it go and let me tell you it’s been very freeing. It’s fully grown out now and I get comments all the time asking me where my hair was done, because it’s obviously super trendy right now but also it looks really cool.
The journey is long but it’s the part of the fun, right? Or at least that’s what I told myself two years ago when I was half gray and half some other color that made me look like I had a horrible ombre.
Would you mind if I gave you one tip (and forgive me if I’ve missed it somewhere)? Once or twice a week, shampoo with a purple shampoo. I am partial to the old school classic Clairol Shimmer Lights, which my grandmother kept her shower for years – she was all white. Lots of brands have their version now. It will make your grey look really vibrant, and take any brashness out of the rest of your hair if there’s any. If you try it let me know what you think!!!
You’re the best ?
Oh man sister, I feel you on this! I’ve gotten so many more grays since Livvy was born last year, and they’re super coarse and so obvious to me. I have to make sure I’m doing a hair mask once a week and that Alterna CC cream for hair (that Sephora always seems to have samples of) has actually really helped.
I love the image of a full, luscious mane of gray (a la Emmy Lou Harris), but no one ever thinks of the in between stages, right? I say go for a crazy color or something that will help it grow out invisibly – I bet Connor would love it! I’ve been sorely tempted to start coloring to blend it, but a) strawberry blonde is really hard to match with dye, and b) I’d much rather spend all that money elsewhere!
Thanks for chronicling this, I’m loving following your journey!
Hi Karen,
I want to give you a hug and say that I so feel what you’re saying here. *hug*
I too have gone cold turkey on the dying but I am way way more grey and I went through (and am still going through) that OMG who is that in the mirror. I am a little further along in the process – nearly a year – and I have what I’d call salt and pepper with proper silver stripes through my hair (I seriously have a streak like Rogue from X-men). I think it was at the 9+ month mark that I started to almost like it. Sometimes. I do find it freeing not to dye it and my hair has been much healthier and fuller since I stopped dying it (I developed a dye sensitivity so I can’t dye. It’s not a choice). I had to chop a lot of length off because of the strong demarcation line (it looked so awful) and probably have another 6 months to fully grown out. What got me through the darker days – #grombre on Instagram. Beauty ReInvented with Nikol Johnston on YouTube. She’s our age (I’m a year older than you) and she looks stunning with her natural hair.
Some helpful hints :
I stripped back all the weirdo haircare stuff to paraben, sulfate, free. I also embraced my curly texture in a huge way – you’re wavy – rock it. I went cold turkey on the dye and embraced the curly girl method on the hair and my curls and greys are thanking me for it. The benefit is that the curls are hiding the line between the dye and natural hair.
I’m between ear and chin length in my growth and found that I needed to rejig ALL my makeup choices. This meant new shadows, new brow pencil, new blushes, new lipsticks. Because I’m a little more salt than pepper with the streaks all around my face, the warmer tones that I could rock with my deep dark brown hair don’t work anymore. I’ve gone neutral or cooler. The Marc Jacobs Steeletto palette is the bomb given it’s pretty neutral with some silver. I have recently bought a couple of new lipsticks that would have washed me out before but look great now (Mac Velvet Teddy, I’m talking about you – I live in that now or Mehr). For reference I am a pale olive gal with blue eyes and used to have the darkest brown hair (both my parents are Greek). The grey around my face has softened the pale olive somewhat, my skin tone looks healthier, slightly rosier and I’ve had people comment on it.
Some perks when you get a little further along… the unruly hairs will be longer and so they don’t stick up like a freaking antenna! The choice looks deliberate (not like you forgot to go to the salon) and I have had people ask me how I got my hair the color it is (with the streaks).
It’s so hard growing out the grey. It’s an emotional rollercoaster and I’d love to send you a photo of just how cray I look so you can laugh and realise that you’ve got some grey (not heaps), that you’re beautiful and you’ve got this, you can rock and are rocking this.
Kathy, I think my coloring must be similar to yours, but I’ve got brown eyes. I too have noticed that the gray is working with my olive complexion, almost making it look a bit sun-kissed rather than sallow/green (that’s the Grecian curse, along with thick unruly hair, right?) I’ve also begun to lay off the heavy eye and dark lip in favor of more shimmery and rosy colors. I’m really loving Urban Decay Mushroom and Underground eyeliners for daytime rather than my traditional black. I’ve been wanting to check out that Steeletto palette too. I have no complaints, as for me makeup is just fun and I’m kind of enjoying the switch.
If coloring is not time consuming, is cheap and is easy, would you color your hair?
Color yourself at home every 3 months. Don’t bother with the brushes, just freestyle with your hand. Focus on the outer half and chill with inner half. Use a brush or toothbrush to temples area only. I have curly and long hair (waist long if stretched) and this takes me 15 minutes after 2 years of practice. I pile hair on top of head after putting dy on, do some computer work for 15-20 mins, rinse it out, use a hair mask (the l’oreal one is amazing) for 10-30 mins (honestly I just leave it on as I go about chores and have left it on more than 30 minutes), rinse out and voila, love my hair. Every month a little dye around temples with toothbrush to cover grays (5 mins, plus a 15 min wait asmI domchores, then regular co-wash+condition as usual as I schedule it on co-wash day). People complement my hair all the time and many don’t believe I do it myself.
I like the Loreal casting creme gloss. Plus there is another brand, Australian I think, very gentle and works well. $16 per box per 3 monts, and another box divided by 3 for touch ups. $32 and 2.5 hours every 3 months. Seriously, salons make you think it is more complicated than it is.
I’ve colored mine at home and don’t enjoy it. It’s not easy for me, unfortunately. Thanks for the input though!