Or is that just something with me? I dunno… I think it might be one of those things that you just don’t realize until you actually get to that point, and then one day you’re sitting around thinking, “I wish I had somebody to go to Safeway with me to get some fried chicken,” but you can’t think of anybody to call.
I mean, you guys are my friends, obviously, but it’s not like I can call you up in the middle of the afternoon, because a lot of you live halfway across the country or halfway around the world. It would be kinda hard for you to go with me to Safeway to get some fried chicken.
The big thing for me is that I don’t interact with a lot of people outside the house. I work from home, so I’m mostly in the house. You know, I go to my exercise class, but it’s not like I have a social group thing to go to every week or a set meeting like a book club.
I guess I could get involved in something like that in my town…
I try to make friends, though, and I have met friends through the blog, like last week I met with one of the girls who reads here, Shakun (hi, Shakun!). I found out that we both live in Novato, so we met for coffee, and it was really super cool. We were actually talking about this very topic, why it’s so difficult to make new friends as an adult.
I mean, I know that it’s not equally hard for everybody, but I think that people do generally just get really busy, busier with their lives, and set in their ways too, as they get older. It’s not the same as it was when you were a teenager or in college when you could easily spend that extra hour or two to go to the mall with a friend to help her find an outfit for Friday night.
Nowadays, with those two hours, I think, my gosh! — I could be cleaning my house or doing any number of other things that need to get done.
I’m a very social person. I’m not antisocial at all, and I know that it’s better for me mentally to have a circle of friends. I’ve also read different studies about how with women, especially, it helps to have a circle of friends.
I was wondering if you’ve run into this issue, and if you have, what are some things you’ve done to expand your social circle as you’ve gotten older?
Your friendly neighborhood beauty addict,
Karen
P.S. tgif. 🙂
Hi Karen,
(Long time reader of the blog here, but infrequent commenter.) Thank you so much for posting about this. I feel you, gurl. In fact, just last night I found myself feeling lonely and reaching out to an old long lost friend (lost probably for good reasons, honestly) because I just don’t know how to meet people anymore. I think this is something that a lot of us struggle with and I’m not sure what the solution is. But you’re definitely not alone. I’ve been thinking of joining a book club, mostly to meet people. If you search Meetup, some of them sound really kind of fun–there’s one near me called “Bitches Who Read” or something to that effect, which sounds like my kind of people, lol 🙂 Maybe there’s something like that near you? In any case, thanks for providing me so many hours of makeup nerd joy <3
Hey Morgan,
Nice to see you here today! I’ve thought about joining a Meetup group too. I’ve just never gotten around to it. Plus sometimes I find meeting new people in large groups kind of awkward. I seem to do better when it’s one on one… I dunno. I’ve read about an App called Vina, which women can use to find other friends. Have you heard about it? I read about in a Fast Company round-up (“The Top 10 Innovations That Made Women’s Lives Better In 2016”). It sounds cool but I’ve yet to try it. Maybe I should try it and write about it on the blog, hmmm…
Anywho, wish you were near me! How long have you been reading the blog?
It might seem weird to say but you’re not alone.
My husband immigrated from Austria to Philadelphia in 2013. He left behind a solid, stable music career, colleagues/friends from when he went to the music conservatory, and his family.
He is a freelancer and works mostly from home and, since he’s been here, has not found his tribe, or tribe mates. Perhaps not being out and about has a lot to do with it. He is also very introverted (why he’s the drummer doing his thing behind the kit lol) so he’s not really a “go out there and meet strangers” kind of person. We met on Twitter for cryin’ out loud! haha….
I stayed in Philadelphia for 20 years and I gradually lost friends because for a 7-year stretch, I was a location independent freelancer, traveling between Montreal and Washington, D.C. and everywhere in between. So, my former tribe in Philly never knew when I was home and they eventually stopped assuming I was around (to call for gigs, going out, etc.). My closest friends were always far away, never near by to just hang out with, although I had a brief stint of that in Columbia, MD and it was so nourishing. These friends were all dancers, many of them professional working women, too. So we had this major connection amongst us, being in the performing arts community (hence, weird creative types) as well as professional (hence, Type A personalities). Put them together and you have many days and nights of wonderful shenanigans.
No wonder when they do studies of those who live the longest, diet is not THE most important thing, but rather social networks, being social, laughing, and letting loose with friends. There are rarely any centenarians who are not social.
Now that we’ve moved to Hawaii, we find ourselves at this place of not having friends (still) but hope that, with our intention to stay, we will each eventually find our tribe again. Though it does seem to be harder than when I was younger.
Happy Friday, internet friend!
I feel the same way and I have been actually thinking about it a lot recently. I work from home too (hopefully that will change once I start teaching full time) and I moved to a city I know absolutely no one in, other than my boyfriend and his family. My friends live 45 minutes away from me so I don’t get to see them often, or even talk to them that often. It’s a little depressing.
Someone suggested Meetup to me as well but I feel awkward meeting new people and recently I have been feeling a little bit of social anxiety. I know exactly how you feel then and although I’m not sure what advice to give to you, I’m always here if you need someone to talk to!
THIS! MOST of my friends from HS had kids late/later than me (or not at all) so we drifted (but are still friendly). Most of my friends from college live far away. My friends from when I worked were like… ugh I hate saying this… but bar friends. We were friends because we worked together and drank together. When I met my husband I was just turning 23 but you really find out then who the true friends are. The few you have left get pared down even more once you have kids.
BUT. That’s a big reason I started my blog. In 2009 I had my second kid and felt insane alone. My blog was my way to connect with other people about the things I loved that people in my life weren’t into. Now some of my best friends are other bloggers. We only see each other maybe once a year but we talk every day and they’re there for me.
Once your little one starts school you’ll also meet some mom friends. And some mom “omg I hate that I have to be nice to her but I will for the sake of my kid” friends lol Mom friends are busy also, so it’s hard to find down time. You both have to really make the effort for a girls night. With so many single parents out there it makes it even harder because that requires a babysitter and extra money. It’s ROUGH, but you’ll find a few adults soon 😉 Also, you have us sooooo yeah 😉
loneliness is definitely something that is pronounced in the period you are in right now. Many new moms say it is/was the loneliest time in their lives. Once they start school, there is a whole new group of moms you will meet (along with a whole new level of crazy playground politics!!) but when kids are very young you do feel isolated. Esp since many of us don’t live where we grew up and where our families are. It’s actually a really big problem. Please remember that this period is like this but it is not like this forever!! I’ve made great friends with each of my three kids moms. Some have faded off but some are still friends long after the kids have left school ?
Absolutely! It was really hard for me to make friends in NYC as I moved there in my late 20’s. I’m not a bar girl, I find it awkward going up to groups of people, and most of the people I meet were from work, so it was hard figuring out if this person is a friendly professional acquaintance or a friend I can grab pho with on any random night. Or like, head over to their apartment with pj’s in my bag for a lazy Sunday of ordering in and Netflixing.
The odd thing was, moving back to LA, I haven’t picked up a lot of my old friendships. I’m not exactly the same person. I’m living much further away from the center of town than I did before. My friends here have also changed in the past few years that I was gone.
Nowadays I really just hang out with my family. Like you, I have my work out classes, and I supposed if I work on it, I could befriend people there. I tried Toast Masters but it was not really my scene.
Of course, I continue to meet cool people at work and through work. I definitely find you as a friend and wish I could teleport to grab fried chicken with you anytime. I also find the beauty loving community to be quite warm, inviting and fuzzy!
But yea, I get what you mean. I want a fried chicken/pho loving friend I can hang in my pj’s with. Even with my own sisters, we go months without seeing each other. Sometimes we would run into each other at the chiropractor!!
Oh sister, I so wish I lived in Novato so I could go on fried chicken runs with you.
I had great friends when I lived in Missouri but we’ve been in Maine going on 17 years now while I’ve made friendships–I haven’t made any of the run out for fried chicken in our yoga pants variety. Part of that is because I became a mom just a couple of years after moving cross-country. And the other part is I Work All The Time.
I do wish I had a best friend where I lived. At the same time, I’m not sure how I would make time for us. Between work, the husband, the kid, the blog, my yoga practice, laundry, etc. time is precious.
When my teenager was younger, I thought it would get easier to make friends when he started school. It really isn’t. I’m the mom who’s always working. And I’m a newspaper reporter, which automatically makes people ill at ease.
Good luck! Raising a fried chicken leg at you from the Atlantic!
Karen, you are not alone – there are many of us who are craving more friendships!
As I’ve gotten older, and being divorced many years, I’ve gotten more picky about whom I want in my life, and whose company I cherish.
I’ve tried some Meetups, and they are ok. – need to try those some more!
You do have your good friends Jen and another, and your family.
Maybe you,can try to start or join a mommy and me type group for now?
I love your blog – it’s so REAL!
Hugs
I’d hang with you all the time if I lived in Novato!
I think we get into paths that have us see the same people often or restrict our chances to meet new people. When I was in college (I went back to school at 24) I met new people every semester. Now I work in an office with two other people. I haven’t made a ton of new friends.
Blogging helps me connect with people. I have a second blog, https://katemiddletonjewelry.com/ and through my replikating and that work I’ve made several new friends.
Wow, you nailed it, Karen. When I moved from NYC where all my friends were to a small suburban town in MA 15 years ago, I thought it would be great, that I’d make a lot of friends in my new neighborhood. Boy, was I wrong. Because I didn’t have young kids in school and I wasn’t married, many of my neighbors either viewed me with suspicion or just weren’t interested in getting to know me. I do have two friends in the ‘hood now, but we don’t see each other all the time like I had hoped. I did make one friend in town who I made while working on the Census back in ’09. I joined a book club, and enjoy those ladies once a month, but no sparks. I still miss my close friends in NYC who I met at work back in the day. Wish I could go to Safeway with you for that chicken! I’ll bet that once your little girl gets a bit older, you’ll find some compatible moms to hang out with while your kids play – I hope so
Just reading your blogs, I kinda find myself thinking we would be the types of gals that would get along..we’re the same age, etc. And I would love to get chicken with you!!! Totally understand what you’re saying though…lost my husband (almost) 2 years ago and he was my “girlfriend” and so now I’m mostly a loner (sad but true)…it’s just hard and where I reside right now is not “home” and the one friend I do have takes advantage of me (borrowing $ and forgetting to pay me back, etc). So yeah I’m very picky now of who I let in….i guess I will let it happen organically or at least that’s what I hope for…to find a real girlfriend to shop with, hang out with, get food with, etc.
I’m glad you brought this up, because it’s something I’ve been thinking about recently.
At this point in my life, I don’t have a lot of friends. I have acquaintances and people I’m friendly with, but not one person I would consider my BFF. The thing is that I haven’t really done anything about it. Sometimes I do feel lonely, but i haven’t made the effort to go out and make friends. I admit that part of it just laziness and I feel comfortable in my little cocoon. I am introverted and enjoy having my alone time to recharge.
Having said that, I do like hanging out and being around people. My husband is quite social and has lots of friends so a lot of my social interaction comes from when his friends come over.
I sometimes have hard time really connecting to people. I can be friendly with people and make small talk, but I don’t always find people that I can connect to on a deeper level.
Even though I have an office where I work, I’m on conference calls all day and don’t really interact with people in person. It can be difficult to make friendships when you just make small talk with people over the phone.
In school, I think it’s easier to make friends because you’re constantly around people. As an adult, you have to make more of an effort to meet people and initiate friendships. I’m stuck at the part of actually making that effort. Not saying it’s good or bad, but it’s just where I’m at in life.
I would like to start volunteering at an animal shelter this year, so maybe that will bring some opportunities to meet like minded people. 🙂
Thanks for bringing up this topic! I’ve enjoyed reading the other responses. Happy Friday!
Hi Karen!
Long time reader, infrequent commenter… it is really hard to make friends as you get older. Maybe because we are out of school and we don’t meet people as often outside of work situations?
Have you had any success with mom groups? My friends who now have kids have made new friends through mommy groups—close proximity and being in similar life stages seems to make that process a bit easier!
I know you were in Vancouver a couple years ago and if you’re ever back here I’d love to take you out for coffee and fried chicken!
Hi Karen! I’m in your town and have been in your shoes. Newborn child, moved from city to Novato and commuting to work in city. Between work, juggling kids, I didn’t make any friends in town. As a poster said above, it gets better once your child is in preschool. Until then, maybe check out the mothers club in town. I didnt, because I encountered some clicquish people first and thought “No way are these my people”. I should have tried harder to “date” different playgroups in the club to find a compatible one, as it was a lonely 2 years until I met some friends through preschool.
Its an adjustment, having kids. I’d be happy to talk to you if you like!
Me too! All my friends have children, which is cool, but they don’t have any extra time.
I would really like some cool new people to hang out with. I like enjoying nature such as bird-watching, hiking,biking, walking, and running(although I prefer to do this alone.) I also like shopping and getting coffee. But in my neighborhood people are more of the stay inside type. I’m probably living in the wrong area, it was better when I lived in the city. I don’t do group things right now except sing, so that doesn’t help either. I used to meet people though work, but now I work in a lab and scientists tend to be antisocial. I also do animal rescue, but my peers are run off their feet or much older/younger than me. It’s a really weird situation. Hopefully, I can find some other group activities doing what I love sometime soon or change jobs.
I agree it is harder to make friends as an adult. Any friends that I’ve made in recent years were friends from work. My husband started a new job 1.5 years ago and we’ve become friends with a few other couples (where the husband works with my hubby).
I would suggest joining a book club at a small independent bookstore. Or do some volunteer work. 🙂
I hear you though–making friends at college was so much easier (all those years ago…I was a ’99 grad).
I’m with you 100% – and I think you do need to get involved in something that interests you…but you also have new opportunities in the near future with Connor Claire. A few years ago I had a falling out with one friend that lives close by for a few reasons…we were part of the same group of about 5 that were pretty close. A lot of the issues stemmed from the fact that as we were getting older I was changing directions a bit and they were not. It took some self-examination to make some decisions that to this day are tough. One of my closest friends drinks a lot…and it was an ongoing thing and I was just at a point where drinking wasn’t my thing and it became an issue for me. She’s still someone who drinks daily…and not just a glass of wine. Which to each his own, but it’s just not a good fit for me like it was when we were in college or our early 20s. I did get involved in some other interests and I’ve made some surprisingly good friends…
The other part is that soon you will have to meet the moms of Connor Claires friends and classmates – which gives you a whole additional pool.
I’m not alone!!!!! I’m a transplant to a state where the joke (but reality) is “I made my friends in elementary and high school and I don’t need anymore.” I think FB, as an adult, is really isolating because people generally aren’t into making new friends. In the 2000s, I was very active on a site called Live Journal which was highly interactive. I actually met people face-to-face. People moved onto blogs, which are, in my opinion, can be generally one-sided.
All those things you mentioned are true. I’d like to think it’s easier to get to know people when you have kids, as you can use play dates. I work from home and I have rules about fraternization with the military. I’m also much older than my husbands peers, don’t have kids, and don’t like many of the average pursuits that the spouses of my husbands coworkers are into.
There was a male spouse I got on well with but they moved. He was in his late 30’s too and we had most of the same hobbies that aren’t makeup involved though he had a keen eye for it. I met some people at a dog park in Jan 16 who I still socialize with. Even though they are below us in rank by a bit, my husband has been gone, so it’s less of a no-no. Other friends we’ve made through the military are all over the world, so it’s not easy to keep up the friendships.
I don’t belong to a local organization for hobbies or religious pursuits and I no longer club or karaoke, so other than dog parks and random chance encounters, I’m pretty out of the loop!
I think all the elderly staff of the sushi place I frequent would call me a friend, though! They always ask about my husband and dog. The also beg me for skincare tips. It’s actually pretty funny. I’ve also made friends with some Trader Joe’s staff members and the guys at the meat counter at Whole Foods. Enough to drop off christmas cards anyhow.
Hi Karen, love your blog! I totally understand what you mean about how difficult it can be to make new friends when you’re an adult and a new mom. I live in L.A. where it is notoriously hard for various reasons. I grew up here and I still don’t get why it’s so hard. It just is. I was on maternity leave and I felt so alone. It was hard to meet other moms and I knew I’d be going back to work so the stay home moms weren’t interested in me at all. With my 2nd child, I quit my job and stayed home, now I work from home. I’ve had to put effort into making new friends. I never joined moms groups but I did find a 3 moms in my neighborhood who became good friends until we moved. But, one of them is still a very close friend who I see at least once a month. I met them by walking my daughter in her stroller and stopping to chat. Then, at preschool, I met a few moms I liked a lot. I have to put myself out there and ask people to get together for coffee or a hike or something else that sounds fun, with or without the kids. A few months ago, I went to a MeetUp Book Club that I really like. Smart, interesting discussions about books that I want to read.
I’m almost 50 and have one friend from HS and that’s it. No wonder I have 4 cats. I read a book that was popular a few years ago called “MWF seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend.” It’s a woman who moved to Chicago and her experience searching for new friends. You are so not alone!
It’s a very interesting topic that we don’t really think about until we’re here, you know? I watched a video a while back, on Buzzfeed I think about why we don’t end up with a lot of friends after a point in life and a lot of it has to do with the fact that we assume that the new people we meet, already have a set circle of friends, so we don’t even bother to think about being “friends” or socially involved with them (when often that’s not the case).
Also, (mentioned in another video I watched hehe :)) someone who was a mom talked about how she actively sought out people who were moms with kids the same age just so she wouldn’t end up going crazy. So it does take some effort, irrespective of your personality, but I’m sure it helps if you’re more extraverted than not.
This is going to change dramatically for you when Connor gets into Pre-K and then elementary school. I was a room mom and a lunch lady, even though those were things I didn’t really see as something I would enjoy that much and I met and become close with a TON of moms. I was a Democrat in a very Republican enclave and never thought I would meet women who had similar political views. To my pleasant surprise, not only did I do just that, but the other mothers I met were lovely, bright women who made me laugh and didn’t care that I voted differently. The glue that bonded us together was being at the school regularly, playing bunko and our kids hanging out together. Hang in there…I feel your pain, but I was amazed at how things changed once our daughter was about 4 and entered school. The other way I met an incredibly cool mom who became a great pal was on a parenting blog on iVillage. She lived near me, so we met for ice cream with our baby daughters and became besties. She was a teacher during the school year but in the summers, worked for the local concert promotor as well as Paul McCartney. I got to see a LOT of great shows!
after my 20’s, i figured the same thing out pretty quickly. it’s the confluence of settling into your normal routine & not “exploring” to do new things where you’d have the opportunity to meet new people and break into new potential friend circles and also, people tend to only have bandwidth for a certain # of close friends…after that, they tend to put up the “no vacancy” sign. To find new friends, I’ve found that I have to first put myself in new situations where i’d actually meet new people that have “vacancy” signs. putting yourself out there isn’t enough. figuring out who has a vacancy sign is the hard part, so don’t get discouraged if people say no or flake on you if you invite them to do stuff & be your friend. they just have no vacancies.
hi, karen! i feel ya on this topic! my friends and i talk about this all the time. we brainstorm: where can we meet new friends? it gets tricky as you get older, because you’re looking for a deeper vibe/connection than just hanging out. well, in my case, i have to feel that “connection”, otherwise i won’t try to maintain the friendship.
as we get older, i think it’s quality over quantity.
but i have a little one now, just like you, and my friend suggested i try to branch out and get out and meet some mommies (and daddies, since there are SAHD also). it’s going to take effort on my part, but i think i’ll make an effort to meet new people that way.
i still like doing things solo, but i do miss shopping with my sister, or manang jenn, or sisNlaw.
I hear you. I think it’s hard to make friends as an adult. Unless you work in a large office it can be hard to meet new people. I went to college in Michigan and all my friends from that time are spread around the country and world. Even friends I met when I first moved to the bay area have moved.
I feel like as you get older you get more set in your ways and in your thinking. I’m always trying to be open minded about new opportunities. But I still find myself thinking oh, that person wouldn’t want to be friends with me because they’re a)older or younger than me b) they do or don’t have kids c) they have more or less money than I have d) they’re smarter or not as smart as I am. The list goes on.
I’d love to find a book group in my area. I used to belong to one but I moved away and then moved back and it seems like no one is still around.
Even with the friends I do have, it takes multiple emails and weeks before we can a convenient time to meet.
And I’m not good at large gatherings or parties or bars. Those are just hard for a borderline introvert like myself.
Still hoping to keep expanding my little circle of girlfriends.
My problem making friends now is that I work from home, and so I don’t connect with people in person and I have made some incredible friendships online, but I usually get to see those people once or twice a year, and that’s awful. I want someone to say “hey I am just having a crappy day let’s hang out” with no planning or notice.
Hi Karen,
I sure hear you! It wasn’t long that I posted my blog that was somewhat the same thing, remember? I didn’t do it the same way you did, but it was about loneliness and cell phones…. but basically “it’s hard to make friends as adults” is what it was about. I don’t really know Karen, but I know that I struggle with the same issue – and as it looks from the comments – so do a lot of other women. I’d like a bff to run and do things with – but people just aren’t as open nowadays. An you kind of have to be careful if you find one that is…. because usually they have poor boundaries.
I am very special too – so I concur with you there and I am a good friend, so I know that it’s not about me. This world – is just different now.
I’m beginning to join some groups, and I’m hoping that this will solve some of my issues, and fill up some of the problems of space that I have. Join a book club? Or maybe just try reaching out at gym class? I know it’s kinda scary but we must start somewhere. I’ve been praying about this for some time and I’ve now got several friends, so God did hear me. I’m so grateful Karen. It was horrible for awhile. Thank you for reaching and letting me know that you cared. It meant a great deal to me. Now I will return the favor and pray for you. I’d never have thought that you didn’t have scads of people in your life though – but bless your heart. I feel for you.
Know that I sure would go for some chicken with you – and we’d shop till we dropped! I’d even change a diaper…. and I don’t even know much about that. LOL. This too shall pass my friend, God hears my prayers, and He never fails to answer! I always wish the very best for you — and this is no different. Maybe this is a little more dear to my heart, because I understand and have so much compassion with it. Just keep on believing and reaching out.
Know that you are prayed for,
and I wish you God’s greatest grace and Favor!!!
Gina
I think it has a lot to do with people starting their own families. The real friends I’ve made through work have mostly been single/younger people who don’t have those other obligations. My friend who works for herself is the same as you, and she’s started doing office co-ops where she basically rents part of an office with other people for certain hours during the week, and takes her laptop and works there instead of at home. Great way to get out and meet people!
It’s not just you . If I didn’t work out of the house I would have a really hard time meeting people . I’m shy and larger groups are intimidating . I don’t have a solution but I want you to know that you are not alone. If I lived in Novato I’d hit you up for fried chicken and shopping all the time .
I’ve made friends through Facebook groups that are based on my city. My doula introduced me to one of the organizers and we hit it off. Through them I met women with similar interests and/or kids and I hang with them a lot. I’ve also met people through yoga class, prenatal classes, the gym (especially spin class!) I’m also into knitting really hard right now and I’ve made friends at meetups / conventions / knit nights.
A lot more of it seems interest driven at this point for me… Where would purveyors of your interests gather locally? Go find them, chances are they’d like to befriend you too.
Hi Karen,
May I say that I found it somewhat comforting that a lot of people felt the same?
I had the same issue. We moved to a new city (Berlin). I was working only from home, had no colleagues, didn’t fluently speak the local language… and then I started making a few friends from the writing circle, which was super nice, but then some moved away… I was so lonely plus I felt my life was going nowhere :-p
My husband is an introvert, so he’s happier to not having friends at home, in turn made me crazier because I just didn’t know how to expand the circle :-D.
Then… my life changed when I went to an ignite talk (it’s a meetup where some speaker went on stage for a 5 minutes talk on the topic that ignites their passion), got to know a few people there, one introduced me to a lunch club (like a supper club where you sit down and eat on a huge bench and actually speaks to strangers sitting next to you). I met some really good friends there, and when that lunch group ended, I decided to start my own group.
I think there’s really something nice about having food together, I like to explore new places (luckily Berlin is great for that), you’ve always have something to talk about (I’m half introverted), and lunch is just the right time to hang out a bit with some new people.
It went on for 2 years every Wednesday but I stopped doing that last year when I couldn’t find the time to organize it anymore :-D. By that time I’ve also found deeper friendships so my social life is back on track :).
I’ve also joined a coworking space and it’s making me feel like having colleagues but I don’t actually have to go to “work” everyday (part of me love my workspace at home). I know there are coworking space which doubles as a daycare over here in Berlin, I hope there are some also where you live!
I’m currently 37 btw, so it’s possible to make new friendships as an adult!
I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve commented but this post’s content is definitely what I’ve been going through too! Right now, I’m in a different city from my family and close friends because of work. The staff pool is really small and most of my coworkers are closer to my parents’ age and have their own families so we all have different priorities right now (I’m just starting out in the workforce fresh from grad school). I feel like it’s definitely hard to make friends when you’re not constantly interacting with classmates or coworkers (we do data analysis so everyone’s usually quietly typing away at their workstation). It probably doesn’t help that I’m an introvert but I do try to strike up conversations when I meet someone new or get a chance to talk to someone (thank you to all the friendly Lyft and Uber drivers out there!).
I’m still settling into my new schedule but I’ve been told that Meet Up (https://www.meetup.com/) is supposed to be really great for meeting up with people in your area with similar interests! I’m really hoping to find some local crafters to bond with 🙂 I hope you’re able to find more friends for your social circle. If I was in the Bay Area, I’d definitely want to hang out with you!
I moved cities this summer and quite frankly did not have that many friends in the old one either, so this topic has been on my mind a lot. I know you are supposed to meet a lot of new people when you have kids, like other parents, but that honestly never happened to me. Maybe because of work and me always rushing to and from daycare, so there is no time for chatting. I do enjoy being alone, even more now that the kids are constantly around, but I recently realized that when something happened to my husband (or our relationship) I would be alone. So I reached out to a few childhood friends that still live here and we met a few times. It is nice, but not the soul-connecting friendship we used to have. Maybe that is too much to ask for as an adult?
Hi Karen,
I know how you feel. I relocated to join my husband a few years ago and work from home. I’ve never had any problems making friends and assumed that I’d easily make some here.
I have made a few very good friends among my husband’s circle but they don’t live close by. I miss being able to call up a friend for coffee or a beer, without having to plan a few days in advance.
I’ve tried using a type of “friend dating” website but with no success. In my immediate neighbourhood there are lots of families and retired people and I get on well with them and have nice chats with people when walking the dogs but I can’t call any of them friends for the moment.
It certainly isn’t easy!
I think that the main thing for me is that I don’t necessarily WANT to make new friends. So when you’re not putting in any effort obviously nothing is going to happen. I’ve known my best friend literally ALL my life (we were born one week apart and have been besties ever since) and I just know that no other friendship I’ll ever have will ever reach that same ‘level’ as the relationship that I have with my BFF, so I don’t really bother, if that makes sense. Yes, I have a ton of casual friends that I get along with great but I wouldn’t call those friendships TRUE friendships. They’re just based on fun, but not much more.
I can totally relate Karen! I was thinking about this also the other day.. too bad we live continents apart (didnt mean to come across so stalkerish, but you know)
I would love to have new-mom-friends around me and make double dates with the kids while we sip some hot tea and eat something. always has to involve some food
Hi Karen!!!
I think about this a lot. I am originally from the East Coast but have been here in Cali for a few years now. I was in SF and then Pasadena, but am now back up in NorCal – East Bay. I keep in touch with many friends from over the years. I have my HS friends, my college friends, and friends from my residency – the only problem is I only get to see the Cali friends frequently, of course. And since I was in SoCal for a bit and now am in the East Bay – it is more of an effort to see everyone in the city- that being said, I make the effort and so do they. I have read your blog for about 5 years now, I don’t comment much, but you are not too far from me and would consider you a friend! Not to sound cheesy or creepy – but I would love to go out and get chicken with you! We could hang out somewhere between you and me!
Email me if you want and we can talk!
Dawn, your fairly local doctor nerd friend
My same thoughts almost everyday of my life! My husband works for the government and with that being said we move almost every 2-3 years. It has been rough trying to make new friends every time we move. I always feel so awkward around people and even more awkward meeting others and hoping secretly if they will be my new friend. I feel like a kid at a new school every new place we move. I feel so pathetic sometimes, the struggle!
Oh Karen, I feel you! It was so easy to make friends as a child or teenager and now as an adult everybody is so so busy!
I moved from Germany to the states with my hubby and daughter 3 years ago. It was so hard…We moved from Berlin with 3.6 million inhabitants to a small town in Oregon with 22k people. It was quite a change. I am like you, friends help me feel better mentally 🙂
Is there a moms group or moms club in your area you could join? That helped me in the beginning!
Meanwhile I’ve made a few friends here. Thankfully we live in a nice and social neighborhood with lots of kids.
I’ve come to the conclusion for me that it takes more time and a lot more effort and energy to make friends as an adult.
Hey, if you’re ever in Portland or somewhere around there, let me know! And if I am in the Bay Area I would love to have some chicken with you 🙂
Hi Mira,
I’d like that. 🙂 We have friends in Portland, so the next time we’re there I’ll let you know.
There’s a mother’s group in my town and I joined it last year, but I didn’t really go to any of the events because I was massively pregnant and hormonal. It also seemed more for moms with older kids. I might try again now that Connor Claire’s a little older.
How old is your daughter?
Great! Do that 🙂
I have two girls now -my oldest turns 6 in April (how did that happen? :-0) and my little one turns 2 also in April (well, we can only do April…lol).
Karen, I totally feel you. I have a little kid and I live in the Bay Area – you’d think things would be easy in terms of finding other folks to chill with, no? But I also work mostly from home (I’m a grad student AKA in 33rd grade) and I find it hard to connect with people on a daily basis. I’m also a Gemini, super outgoing, and thrive off of social interaction. So this going solo thing is hard for me! Just know that you’re not alone in this, many of us feel the same way. Sending you lots of hugs and hopes that things get better as your cutie pie gets a bit older.
Incidentally, I think I’ll be up in Novato in a few weeks for a brief writer’s retreat while I hammer out some of my dissertation. Do you have any favorite cafes and restaurants that are must-sees? Or a go-to spot for a peaceful vibe and cup of coffee?
It’s really tough. Most of my friends I met through circus, so that was kind of a game-changer for me. I also have a few really good friends who just live far away (including one in Novato who’s not you – I plan on going to see her soon so we’ll have to chat). I can’t imagine with working from home and having a little one. I don’t have little ones, but I know it’s something people can go through at that stage that is tough.
I’m surprised at how many of us live near you, I’m in Petaluma and I’d also totally get fried chicken with you.
Anyway, I have the same problem. It’s gotten to be a bit of a joke with my husband and I. I have friends but we just don’t get together much. My best friend lives in Oregon so I don’t see her nearly enough. There are SO many times I wish I had someone to hang with or shop with. I rarely go to Sephora events because I have to go alone and it’s just not as much fun alone.
I’m not comfortable in large groups and I always feel really awkward when I first meet people. I wasn’t a popular kid in Jr High or high school so I always feel like the dorky kid who doesn’t quite measure up. And I think as we get older we’re more particular about who we spend time with. The prospect of spending an afternoon with strangers is like “oh hell NO!” for me.
I met most of my friends either in college or at the gym, obviously I was a lot younger then and had more free time. I wanted to go out and do stuff, now I’m more of a homebody and it’s a big deal for me to go out. I always mean to make plans with my friends but then I never get around to it because I’m lazy.
it would be fun to plan a meet and greet with all the ladies that live around you.
Hey Karen,
I think about working from home but I would totally miss the social aspect of work. It is hard to make friends when your an adult. I’m not so sure why it is. When your in a Union City just let me know and I’ll go with you to Safeway for fried chicken
I hear ya! Outside of college friends and work friends, it can be hard to make new friends as an adult. The question is “Do you really *need* new friends?” If you feel that it is necessary to expand your social circle, you now have the perfect excuse–Connor Claire! After I had my first son, I spent a lot of time at the park and that is where I met two great “mommy friends”. They both have daughters born within a month of my oldest son so we had so much to talk about. One of them went on to have a boy who is six months younger than my second boy. Bam! Another reason to socialize. In meeting “mommy friends” you compare and contrast kid behavior both good and bad (TANTRUMS!) and talk about kid friendly vacations, annoying husbands (otherwise known as “tall child with a job”) and how your belly never quite goes back to where it was before child. (Tragic.) I also met another good friend from a kid play group at the YMCA. Karen, I so wish you lived near Boston then I’d introduce you to my wild, crazy mama circle. I think you need to make an hour or two each week or so to take Baby Girl to the park and talk to other moms. They would probably see the two of you and think “Please talk to me. Please! I need another friend!”
Also, it’s funny how this topic resurfaces at other points in life. My mom who is…older than we are is retired. She lives an hour from me and she finds herself missing friendships. Her best work friend moved to upstate NY, the ones that still work want to just talk work. She wants a friend who is also a grandmother who she can just go on a walk with and have lunch.
So, you might find yourself asking this question again when Connor Claire is in college or has kids of her own.
It is hard but desperate times call for desperate measures. Hubby and I moved to a foreign country where I had no family or friends, hubby works from home and I’m a stay at home mum. So you can see I was in dire need of a friend. I walked up to someone in the library who had a child the same age as mine and chatted with her. 6 years later and we’ve been really good friends since.
My husband and I made new friends in yoga and meditation classes.
We actually have become friends with the teachers. I guess we have a lot in common with them. My yoga teacher friend is coming over this afternoon for tea and discuss a class(Budokon) she is teaching in the new year.
My suggestion is to take a new course or join a new group.
Perhaps even a Mommy & me class. You can meet new moms and your children will become friends.
I hope this helps! I have often wondered about making new friends over the years. For me, the yoga community was a very welcoming one.
Everyone has left good comments and I think the fact that people are very busy (and that you work from home) is probably the biggest obstacle.
A few commentors have mentioned that you’ll find yourself connecting with a lot more people when Connor goes to school. I think that’s 100% true. I don’t know if you plan to have her go part time to day care to socialize but, if you do that or pre-school, you’ll meet a lot of people “in the same boat” as you are.
I can’t imagine that your issue is having trouble connecting with people when you meet them. I think it’s that you’re not in a situation that’s allowing you to actually meet many new folks. If I lived closer, I’d go with you for fried chicken anytime. I can’t imagine who in their right mind wouldn’t want to!! 🙂
Hi Karen,
I have been a long time reader of your wonderful blog but have rarely commented, I’m sorry about that. However, this post has really spoken to me.
I too really struggle with making friends. Since coming back from university, I have returned to my smallish home town. All of my school friends now live in other parts of the country, making it difficult to meet up. I understand what you mean about working from home and how is hinders things as I too have my own business and work on my own. To make matters even more difficult, I look after my elderly great aunt who suffers from Altziemers. I find make up to be my outlet, however, that too can be lonely when you have no one to share it with.
I would love to meet up with you for coffee or fried chicken.
I’m afraid I do not have any wise words like the other ladies have contributed, but rather just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and ores feel the same way.
I wish you the best and hope that you find yourself with new or renewed friendships.
Hi Karen,
I am also a longtime reader, but never have commented. I echo what others have said, it takes time, similar interests and commitment to setting up future meet ups in order to make new relationships thrive – the elements you find in an elementary school setting. I’ve found great success in chatting with moms during baby activities or in line at a coffee shop. And while I’ve had many great conversations, it hasn’t developed into a “hey want to go walk around the mall?” yet.
With that being said, I scrolled the comments and hadn’t seen anyone propose this yet. I almost feel like I’m on Love Connection with Chuck Woolery! Ladies, step aside, it’s my time to shine:
Karen, I am 34 years old, married, and mother to a sweet 10 month old son. I live in San Francisco, near the Academy of Sciences and also a Safeway! My hobbies include eating (especially at bakeries), visiting museums, window shopping, baking, knitting, decluttering, making lists, and checking things off said lists. I am searching for a new mom friend too, and would love to meet up with you! There are lots of playgrounds I have yet to explore and would be thrilled to have a new friend to join me. Pick me to be your new mom friend! Also baby enthusiastically concurs, via happy squeals, that he would like to go out and meet new friends too!
Hey Michelle,
LOL, you made me laugh. I think I know what Safeway you’re talking about… I used to live near that one and would go to it all the time. Connor and I would love to meet up with you and your son. 🙂 I was thinking of taking Connor Claire to the Academy sometime (I have a feeling she’d like the aquarium), so maybe when we’re down there we can meet you guys for coffee or a playground date. I wish the weather was nicer! Maybe sometime in the spring when it gets warm again? I would love that.
I would absolutely love that! The aquarium is my son’s favorite part in the museum. I think it is something to do with the soft glow of the fish tanks, and perhaps his favorite book – Pout Pout Fish. There is also a great children’s indoor play area. Coffee and a playdate sounds fabulous, let’s plan on it once it warms up a bit 🙂 Stay dry!
I think about this alot, partially b/c my adult life is really punctuated by finding my closest friends online instead of in person. As kids and young adults our lives are hugely structured by gathering together with other people around our ages and often with similar likes and dislikes. I’m not sure a student is LESS busy than an adult so much as their lives revolve around structures that require interaction with the most likely group of people they’d friend.
We lose some of those structures as adults, especially stay at home parents and people who work from home. I often feel like a lot of the mommy and me type classes are just as much about the parents as the kids, because you CANNOT live your life without friendships. I’m a pretty hardcore introvert and I often find that I get in my own way because having people to talk to is still something I need.
Which is why the internet is my friend. 😀 Two of three of my best and longest term friends came from the internet, the other one? I met in junior high while doing Junior High things
I do think this is also a woman’s issue, because statistically I think as we go through the life cycle events we’re more likely to be seperated and alone, but men have a whole host of other issues. I’ve heard many of my married friends complain that THEY’RE the ones doing the maintenance for their Husbands’s friendship (RSVPs, etc) and Family (remembering HIS mom’s bday and buying the card and gift and then getting his signature on it before sending).
In summation: Adult friendships are complicated!
Hi Karen! Girl I feel you. I’m a stay at home mom in Hayward. It gets pretty lonely. My friends have 9-5’s and their own children so it’s hard to stay connected. Gurl I am always free call me up anytime to get fried chicken haha.
It’s so hard to meet people when you hardly leave the house lol
I had a few miscarriages before I had my daughter and I developed anxiety during that time that hasn’t fully gone away. So just thinking of joining mommy groups just fills me with anxiety. I’m more of a one on one person too.
I’ve loved your blogs for many moons, I’d love to meet up with you.
Veronica