The surgeon general recently called for health warnings on social media due to rising rates of mental health problems amongst kids and teens.
This got me thinking about the mental load women carry – well, at least I carry it with me – that could have benefited from a big warning label sign.
Let me backup a little bit. Growing up in the ‘80s and ‘90s, I voraciously read magazines for kids, teens and young women. Fashion and beauty magazines were my favorite.
Also during that time, like most kids in the US, I was subjected to beauty ideals through commercials and print ads. There were so many beauty messages sent out through those channels, but the main one for me and my friends was you had to be thin.
Anyway, the other day, I was looking at a photo that I took with Connor right before her school’s closing assembly. I can’t believe I’m saying this out loud, but instead of focusing on the joy in our faces, the bright colors in Connor’s fun costume or my strong, healthy body, all I could see was how much bigger I look now because I’m carrying a little bit more weight than I used to.
I’ve had some health issues over the last couple years, and that, coupled with a lot of stress, plus hormonal changes has meant that I’m carrying a little more weight than I used to.
Side note, things have gotten a lot better, and I’m finally getting to a good place, but part of me is now wondering if it will stay this good. I’m nervous to keep hoping that it will, but that’s another story for another day.
Anyway, when I was looking at the picture, all I could see were thighs and my bum and the fact that I don’t look like I did 10 years ago when I was running 3 to 5 miles a day and wasn’t juggling a full household. All I could see was that I wasn’t as skinny as I used to be.
I’m thinking that maybe we all could’ve used some major warnings on all of the magazines from back in the day. All those pictures and commercials of what was supposed to be the beautiful and socially acceptable way women were supposed to look that flooded into our brains left something there that I can’t quite shake.
I can’t believe that I put in so much work to stay mentally healthy now, yet I’m still plagued with these ideas in my head that I should be thinner.
If only those warnings had come when we were young girls.
Still, I’m trying to focus on all the good things. My health. My relatively young age; oh, I’m still young, according to the 85-year-old student I helped the other day!
Anyway, this is something I carry, and I’m guessing others carry it too. I wanted to share it with you.
Your friendly neighborhood beauty addict,
Karen
Thank you for sharing. Vulnerability is hard. You are not alone. I think the world is quite toxic right now, relatively speaking, though there are so many good people and things out there for balance. We are bombarded with negativity. We are celebrated for doing too much. Why is it an accomplishment to be able to do EVERYTHING? Why is there a competition for the -est (tired, busy, social, mom, etc.) when conversing? Why is it posited as a good thing? I think it’s human to have limits. I think it’s normal to soften up as we get older, including our bodies. I think it’s normal to be tired. I think it’s normal to rest after a stressful week. Even after sitting on our booties, yes, we still get tired. Brainwork is tiring too! It seems we are headed for a mental breakdown. How much of this can we take? How much self-care will offset the need to go, do, be, more, more more? It is okay to not want to be the richest, most beautiful person. It’s okay to be average! It’s okay to like where you are and who you are. And if you don’t, it’s okay to change! I think we need to slow down. Like REAAAAAAALLLLY slow down. Note things, remember things, engrave them in your mind if they are things you love. Notice how you feel and if it feels good (in a healthy way), then do more of that thing. Listen to your body, and do what it tells you to do. Getting older isn’t the problem; it’s the messages we get as older women that are the problem. Thanks for letting me share, too. Sending hugs. xo
Co-sign! ++++
Seconded!!! Beautifully put and agreed 10000+++%.
I feel this in my bones. Deeply and truly.
Love what you wrote….”It’s okay to be average”. What a simple, but powerful message.
I feel this So. Much. right now. In the past year, I have nearly gotten divorced because I was so despondent at gaining weight due to stress and health issues combined. I didn’t feel like I looked nice, didn’t feel attractive at all, and just wanted to hide in the house instead of going out and doing things with my husband, who ended up going out with friends without me and having an affair because he said he was lonely. Turns out, the woman he had the affair with was also overweight like me, but she was still confident in herself (a little too confident to go after my husband), and didn’t let it bother her. Thankfully, he and I are trying to work things out after 16 years of marriage, and I am losing some weight due to better coping mechanisms, but the hurt and betrayal unfortunately will never leave me. I should have talked to him more about my issues, but he also should have talked to me more about why I was in such a funk before wandering. I was always a thin person until about 40 when my thyroid went on the fritz, then again a couple of years ago piling on more weight with menopause and stress from caring for my bedridden mother who lives with us. This is a hard time for women, so much expected from us.
Sending you love, support and hugs Susan.
You are beautiful – and wise, things more important than being “skinny”. I worked as a model during college. Even my grandchildren look at photos from then and say “wow, you were so beautiful” and at first all I heard was the word “were”. But you know, I’d not trade these extra pounds, a few wrinkles and grey hairs for the live I’ve lived these 65 years. Not for all the iceberg lettuce in the world – so pass me that brownie.
I totally agree with you Karen and with the other people who have posted. The thing is, if I still weighed what I did 20 years ago, I would look very gaunt in the face now at this age. I would look ill and that would be people’s first impression of me because believe it or not, people look at your face first, not your body. The good news is that a plumper face often comes with age and helps you to look younger!
The mental load carried by women is appalling and no man can ever understand it – except maybe a single Dad. But even they are not expected to keep in touch with extended family etc because probably their mother or sister does that. Women hold families ( of whatever size) together at a huge price and societal expectations around their appearance are just what we DON’T need.
I hear you. I think we are our own harshest critics. *Big hug* I recently underwent a partial hysterectomy due to fibroids in my uterus. I turned 40 afterwards and it’s been a challenge, getting back into shape. I have my dream body and my current body and can’t seem to connect them together. Ultimately, I try to focus on how grateful I am to be alive, to have come through surgery and get to the other side.
I’m not sure if you know this, but years ago, when I was going through some really tough times, your blog is what kept me going. I’d read every single post you wrote – laugh at how you described Tabs and his antics. I also learned so many makeup tips from you – especially your smoky eye technique. I remember how Vincent from MAC once showed a reverse smoky eye with a special MAC pigment, that you wrote about. I ran out and bought that pigment later 🙂
*Hug* there’s so much joy and love in your blog which I believe radiates from you. I still think you’re beautiful and it’s amazing how you carry yourself with so much grace and poise, friend.
Wow what a great post and amazing comments from your supportive readers!
I love everything that has been said. It’s a great topic and good to bring up, so us women can try to stop the narrative about what perfect is. I’m 47 and heavier than I’ve ever been, even through my 4 pregnancies.
It’s difficult not to prescribe to the “women have to be perfectly thin and do everything all the time-perfectly” it’s not realistic! I really try to maintain a healthy body image and do not talk negatively about my body, especially in front of my kids. My body is actually pretty darn fine 😂 just the way it is! I too am grateful for my body and good health.
I stay off social media with the expectation of a little bit of viewing a couple things, that really helps and I try to keep to my one hour a day of web surfing.
Sending positive vibes 😎🎉☀️🤩 (trying to find a good emoji for that)
Oh I so relate to this post and comments! My family was together for a celebration last fall and I had a blast. Then I looked a group photo and thought “oh. Do I look like that?” I’m trying hard to focus on what my body can do and what it can carry me through. But it is so hard! Just yesterday I had to shut down weight shaming comments about an acquaintance. It’s hard to avoid. No answers. Just hugs and solidarity!
When I was in Jr. High I thought about my face and nose shape more than my weight – I always thought that my nose was not beautiful (it wasn’t ugly, but it wasn’t beautiful by model and actress standards). I resembled my father and paternal grandmother (and unfortunately, I still do). I did not know that VIRTUALLY ALL models and actresses had their noses done. This includes Marilyn Monroe and Elizabeth Taylor – both touted as amazing “naturally perfect beauties.” The actress Diane Cannon said in her book that she was told immediately when she arrived in Hollywood that she should have her nose done. Her doctor told her that there was no good reason to do that, so she didn’t, making her one of the very few actresses in the last 90 years not to have plastic surgery on her nose.
Anyway, I understand about your feelings about your weight, too, as I come from a family that has a tendency to be overweight at a young age. Don’t worry – you look fine. The most important thing is to stay healthy as you get older, and a slight amount of excess weight is actually good if you become ill and land in the hospital. Studies have shown that people who are really thin have worse outcomes from hospitalizations. Focus on enjoying everything your life has in it now. You have a great deal more than life gave me.
What a great relatable post Karen. I also grew up on the 90’s magazines. The models and pop stars were all super thin. I have struggled with these thoughts since I was very young. And yes…maybe a warning would have been nice. Even now in my 40’s…its the first thought in my head when trying on new clothes or looking at a photo of myself. Thank you for being braving and saying it out loud. Sometimes it’s just nice to know you are not alone.
I totally agree with you. I loved all of those magazines, and it is crazy to think how different the world was back then. My husband and I are currently on a big diet to lose weight for health reasons (both of us have high blood pressure and heart disease runs in both families) so it is a battle we will fight every day probably for the rest of our lives. Once you lose the weight (which we are and continue to do) it will be a battle to keep it off. I don’t know anyone who looks like they did 10 years ago, and I don’t know anyone who isn’t fighting this fight. I think you look great, and the most important thing is that you are healthy. The great thing is, now you can help to give Connor the wisdom to avoid the negative information and the pitfalls that we all went through. I hope her generation has it much better!
80s girl here & all of this rings true. I’m definitely not the same as I was 10 years ago. I had a complete hysterectomy 18 months ago which put me into menopause. I gained weight – not a lot but up a pant size – had part of my thyroid removed (no cancer) & finally had corrective surgery on my eye (badly drooping eyelid). I look like me again, I’m healthy & happy and if that means I’m 15 pounds heavier than I would like then that’s fine. Just remember- happiest girls are the prettiest girls.
Yes, yes and yes to all of your blog post and comments afterward! I also loved all those big glossy magazines and miss them still, even though, as you say, their pages were filled with toxic messages aimed at women. I’ve always been lucky not to have a weight problem but menopause and general aging have sure changed that! Our society places SO many expectations on women it’s a wonder we can put one foot in front of the other some days. For me personally, it has taken bouts with depression/anxiety, dealing with bipolar family members and just life in this crazy world today to finally say, “Enough!!! At 72 I am beginning to appreciate where I am in my life today and work on believing I am enough just as I am- wrinkles, age spots, menopausal tummy, cellulite, etc. included. It’s still a struggle some days- thank God for antidepressants, exercise, friends and family.
On a lighter note, I’ve read your blog for years and you never fail to give me food for thought, lift me up or even just distract me/entertain me by passing on some beauty tip/makeup review/recipe, etc. I’m also a dog lover/pet person and your stories about Tabs, Rosie and your new dog bring joy to my days. And watching Connor grow has been amazing- the years really fly by, don’t they? Anyway, keep writing- the world appreciates you!