The Makeup Monster Manual: Vol. 1

Welcome, fearless reader! Within this ancient tome/blog post reside some of the most nefarious, unscrupulous, mischievous makeup monsters known to man and womankind.

As the author of this compendium, I release this knowledge unto you! — for I fear the creatures I have long chronicled are closing in on me…

Make haste! And use the research contained herewith to defend and protect yourself on your beauty adventures. 🙂

Primer Pest

Description: Primer Pests are an invasive species of toad rapidly spreading around the globe. Believed to be a mutation created in an underground cosmetics lab, they are attracted to makeup primer. Can’t resist it, actually.
Frequency: Uncommon but spreading
Speed: Fast
Armor Class: 7 (small and quick)
Special Attacks: Primer Pests inhabit bogs and marshes near urban areas and suburban strip malls — anywhere with makeup counters. One swat from their toady tongue turns makeup primer into a soppy sludge.
Special Defenses: None
Intelligence: Low
Alignment: Neutral
Size: Tiny (6″ tall)

Abominable Powder Punisher

Description: Abominable Powder Punishers are gargantuan, grossly confused and filthy beasts that perceive all powders as a threat. They believe that poofs of powder are actually swarms of tiny biting insects, and they swat furiously at them when exposed.
Frequency: Rare (thank goodness!)
Speed: Medium (see below)
Armor Class: 10+ (heavy fur acts as a form of padded armor)
Special Attacks: Incredibly fast swatting. When an Abominable Powder Punisher detects the presence of powder, or sees a poof of powder in the distance, it flies into an uncontrollable rage, swinging and swatting its huge clawed hands and roaring in a combination of fear and fury, “NoooOOOoOOoOO!!!”
Special Defenses: Berserker rage
Intelligence: Low
Alignment: Neutral
Size: Huge (15′ tall)

Stench Dragon

Description: Stench Dragons are a subcategory of dragons that spend much of their time stalking perfumeries and fragrance counters. Powerfully stinky, they tend to be aloof, solitary and self-centered. Their motto is, “It’s all about me.”
Frequency: Rare
Speed: Fast
Armor Class: 8
Special Attacks: Like a fine cheese, Stench Dragons become more powerfully pungent as they age. They are attracted to strong fragrances, which they attempt to overpower with their awful dragon breath.
Special Defenses: Fragrance resistance; aura of repulsive stench
Intelligence: Very
Alignment: Chaotic neutral (naughty)
Size: Medium (6′ long)

Liner Lamia

Description: Long, long ago, a powerful evil sorceress/former makeup artist created Liner Lamia to guard her makeup counter while she was away, but a small number of the mischievous creatures escaped! Tentacled gremlins with eye liners for arms, they really just like to mess up makeup.
Frequency: Rare
Speed: Fast
Armor Class: 7
Special Attacks: Liner Lamia prefer surprise attacks over frontal assaults, typically striking while their victims are distractedly applying their makeup — for instance, while driving.

They are deathly afraid of mirrors.
Special Defenses: Nil
Intelligence: Medium
Alignment: Chaotic neutral
Size: Small (3′ tall)

Bronzer Bugbear

Description: Bronzer Bugbears are huge, slathering ogres with a taste for bronzer. They consume it for the talc and silica, which they need to survive, and also like to roll around in it like elephants do with mud.
Bronzer Bugbears are able to sense the presence of bronzer within a 10-mile radius, but the exact mechanism by which this sense works remains a mystery (it’s not a sense of smell, since Bronzer Bugbears lack noses). Once within range of bronzer or a person wearing it, they attack! — using a special powder puff that all Bronzer Bugbears instinctively know how to construct. After collecting the bronzer, they retreat to their lairs to eat it in peace.
Frequency: Rare
Speed: Slow
Armor Class: 9
Special Defenses: Nil
Intelligence: Low
Alignment: Neutral
Size: Huge (12′ tall)

Lash Lifter

Description: Master rogues/pickpockets, these evil little goblins have the quickest hands and uncanny dexterity! They’re able to remove false eyelashes so quickly that they can be in and out between blinks. You don’t even notice your lashes are gone until they’ve already left the area, and if they can’t remove a lash because of its adhesive, they’ll just bite it off with their scary sharp teeth!
Frequency: Rare
Speed: Fast
Armor Class: 3
Special Defenses: Nil
Intelligence: Medium
Alignment: Evil
Size: Small (1′ tall)

Concealer Creaser

Description: Quick claw sneak attack! Concealer Creasers will hide in chimneys, garages and the back seats of cars, waiting for unsuspecting concealer wearers to approach. Then, in a blur of frantic scratching, clawing, and raking, they’ll strike, causing creases and fading in all types of concealers. Nothing, not even Time Balm or Stila Perfecting Concealer, stands a chance.
Frequency: Rare
Speed: Fast
Armor Class: 6
Special Defenses: Flight
Intelligence: Low
Alignment: Evil
Size: Small (1′ tall)

Brush Breaker

Description: Simply put, they break brushes. They’re not the strongest creatures, but they have perfect technique when it comes to breaking brushes. They can break even the thickest brushes in half, but they prefer to cause ferrules to come loose and fibers to fall out (because they’re insidious like that).
Frequency: Rare
Speed: Normal
Armor Class: 7
Special Defenses: They wear chain mail armor made from broken metal brush ferrules.
Intelligence: High (They have to be pretty smart to figure out how to break all the different kinds of brushes.)
Alignment: Evil
Size: M (6′ tall)

Highlighter Hater

Description: These guys feed off of light and brightness, sucking it out of their surroundings and making the world (and the cheeks) around them dull and lifeless.
Frequency: Rare
Speed: Deceptively fast
Armor Class: 10+
Special Defenses: Well, they’re made of pure energy, so they’re immune to most physical attacks.
Intelligence: Low (animal)
Alignment: Neutral
Size: Massive (30′ tall)

Lacquer Leviathan

Description: Can cause seemingly sealed bottles of nail polish to thicken overnight into a useless goopy mess. Their breath is also able to induce chips in brand new manis and pedis.
Frequency: Common
Speed: Normal
Armor Class: 10+
Special Defenses: The Lacquer Leviathan’s tough hide is covered in thousands of layers of built-up lacquer and top coat, making the creature almost invulnerable.
Intelligence: Not so much, but they do know the names of every nail polish ever created.
Alignment: Neutral
Size: Huge (9′ tall)

Gloss Grabber

Description: Lightning lipgloss dash. Gloss grabbers are the gremlins of the gloss world, mischievous little creatures that absolutely love to steal and hoard lipgloss. Some of their favorite hiding places include the back seats of cars, inside couch cushions and under bedroom dressers.
Frequency: Common
Speed: Lightning quick
Armor Class: 5
Special Defenses: Their incredible quickness allows them to stay hidden much of the time.
Intelligence: Very, but it doesn’t matter because all they care about is gloss.
Alignment: Neutral
Size: Tiny (barely 6″ tall)

Foundation Firbolg

Description: Foundation Firbolgs are a sub-species of Hill Giants obsessed with wiping all foundation off the faces of the earth.
Wielding giant foundation brushes they fashion from tree trunks and Griffin fur and using their keen sense of smell, they patrol remote mountain passes and strip mall parking lots, hunting for foundation wearers. When they find them, Foundation Firbolgs use their giant brushes to wipe away all traces of foundation before releasing their victims, in most cases unharmed.
Frequency: Rare
Speed: Slow
Armor Class: 10
Special Defenses: Nil
Intelligence: Medium
Alignment: Evil
Size: Huge (13′ tall)

Mascara Mangler

Description: Mascara Manglers have a minor form of makeup mind control. They’re able to make their victims touch, smudge and smear their own mascara (it’s soo annoying!).
Frequency: Common
Speed: Fast
Armor Class: 4
Special Defenses: They’re waterproof
Intelligence: Very
Alignment: Evil
Size: M (6′ tall)

Eyeshadow Smusher

Description: Short and stout little creatures that revel in smushing eyeshadow. They like to smush pans into into small piles of loose powder and then rut around in it like elephants in a muddy pond.
Frequency: Uncommon (hangs out anywhere eyeshadow can be found; loves makeup counters)
Speed: Slow
Armor Class: 6
Special Defenses: Nil
Intelligence: Low, except when it comes to eyeshadow, about which he knows everything there is to know
Alignment: Neutral
Size: M (3′ tall, but they weight about 400 lbs.)

Blush Basher

Description: Blush Bashers are normally docile, good-natured beasts, but when they detect the presence of blush, something snaps, and they go completely bat-sh*t crazy. 🙂
Frequency: Very Rare (thank goodness!)
Speed: Slow
Armor Class: 8
Special Attacks: 5% critical hit against pans of blush
Special Defenses: Nil
Intelligence: Low
Alignment: Neutral (he just can’t help himself when it comes to blush)
Size: L (14′ tall)

Lipstick Monster

Description: One of the oldest known makeup monsters, Lipstick Monsters were created eons ago by Paudera Foondacione, a powerful sorceress and one of the 12 original makeup artists. They are made from the same waxy substances that lipsticks are made from, and therefore must consume lipstick to survive.
Frequency: Rare
Speed: Slow
Armor Class: 5
Special Defenses: Immune to bludgeoning weapons
Intelligence: Low
Alignment: Hungry
Size: M (4′ tall)

Catch the Weekly Roundups on Sunday mornings to find out about new Makeup Monster sightings in your area. Be safe out there, people! 🙂

Your friendly neighborhood beauty addict,

Karen